Trans Remembrance Ceremony

I just got home from the Trans Remembrance Ceremony. This is a day of remembrance for victims of hate crimes because of gender variation. This was my 3rd year attending a Trans Remembrance ceremony, and just like all the other years there were not enough people in attendance.
The ceremony consisted of a few readers, than we went outside to city hall and laid a flower or candle for every death this year. Close to 200 hundred roses and candles were laid down, one for each victim this year. It was a chilling experience to lay down so many flowers or candles knowing each one represents a human life lost, a human life very much like mine. I will edit in the exact number once I remember it. The number of murders were over 4 times above average this year. About 11 trans people a month were killed this year.
I was asked to say something at the ceremony about my experiences of being Trans. This is was my speech.

Hello,
Most of you know me, but for those of you who don’t my name is Avery, and I am Trans. I was asked to talk to you tonight about some of my experiences as a transgendered person. I think it is important to remember, that like all queer people, transgendered individuals are unique and each of us has our own experiences. However, all of us have some experiences in common, and sadly these are prejudice and hatred.
Transsexuals are still very misunderstood by general society, and with ignorance comes hatred. Protection and understanding are needed for us to be safe, and given the chance at a happy life. The law does not protect us the way every human should be protected.
The biggest concern of the people who care for me is for my safety, and they are correct to worry about it.
Lucky, I have never seriously been physically attacked. But I have been pushed, and yelled at on a few occasions.
What is most harmful are the non-physical acts of hatred. Faggot. Dyke. He-she. Tranny. Many of us here have been assaulted with these words before, we all know the depth of the fear that these words strike into us.
A great amount of hurt has come to me from those I did not expect it from. From the friends (and I use that term lightly) standing beside me at the gay bar. When I came out I lost people who I thought were close friends. They could not accept who I am. We cannot tear ourselves apart from the inside. As a community we need to be a place of love and safety, in a world that can be cruel and vicious. We need to stand united, so that we can make the changes that are desperately needed.
Every day I censure where I go, because some places are just too high of a risk for me to be. Some people see me as so subordinate to them that they talk about me as though I am not standing beside them. Some people point, laugh and gawk at me as though I am an animal in a zoo. Others actions are more extreme, like pushing into me, or verbally attacking me.
The list of places where I have experienced prejudice and hatred is vast. It can and has happened anywhere: breakfast restaurants, the mall, my car while driving in traffic, cafe’s, walking down the sidewalk on Broadway, public bathrooms, bars.
Public bathrooms. They send a shiver up trans peoples spines, and not because of their lack of cleanliness. I do everything in my power to not use a public bathroom. This includes walking clear across campus to reach the one gender neutral bathroom, paying cover or buying something just to use a bar or stores bathroom, I would rather pee outside behind a dumpster than in a public bathroom.
But I am human, and with that comes the necessity to pee. When I can’t find a gender neutral, or single stall bathroom I take extreme caution in preparing to use a public one. I literally stake the place out, I try only to go in when no one else is in there. If that isn’t possible, I wait til I think everyone is inside a stall before going in, than I wait until everyone has left or is in still in a stall to wash my hands. I jokingly warn the people I am with that if I don’t return in a few minutes, to come check on me. I say this jokingly, but I mean it.
Why do I do all this? Because I have been pushed around in bathrooms, they are the place I am most often verbally questioned. I have gender variant friends who have been harassed by bouncers and forced to show ID to prove they were in the correct bathroom.

Bars are another place that make me very uncomfortable, and hyper aware of who and what is around me. They are the places I have been pushed around most. I should not be confined to a very small number of bars because of fear for my safety. I should not have to dread going places, or miss out on experiences because of the very real chance I could be hurt.

I am sixteen times more likely to be killed than the general population. Sixteen times.
What does that mean to me?
It that means dark streets seems a little darker.
Shouts in the distance are the breath of someone full of hate.
Every time I am knocked into it is the first of many blows.
Every time I leave your presence it could be the last time you see me.
Every time I open my mouth to speak, and my high voice comes out, those could be my last words.
It means that every day is lived with this awareness that it could be my last.

It means it is time for change.

For some change has not come soon enough. Tonight we remember those whose last day came too soon. Those for whom the dark street was a place to be scared of, those who heard words of hatred as the last sound on this earth, who were torn from this world in pain and brutality, who didn’t get to say good-bye to those they loved, whose voices will never be heard again.
Tonight we remember them, in hopes that next year it is not me, or you, or the person sitting beside you that is being remembered.
Tonight we remember.


- The other updates I promised are on their way, keep checking in. Should be up tomorrow or the next day. They won't be as depressing as this one was, I will test the limits of my wit and charm in a post. I apologize if it increases the rate at which the earth is warming, or causes numerous pregnancies by immaculate conception. I will have a rusty coat hanger, and some plan b on hand in case of this event.
P.S. Thanks for reading my blog. I've had a few people mention it in conversations, it is really cool that people actually read this and enjoy it.