Hiiiya! Cunt Punch!

Do you take cream, or sugar? Would like a cookie?
Writing this blog makes me feel like we (me the author of this blog, and you the reader of this blog) are talking over coffee. It has everything a coffee date needs, a friendly catch up, a little bit of gossip, and discussing what is going on in the world.

First off I need to get something off my chest. This is serious, and it has really been a burden on me. I have begun to be secretive, and embarrassed of my actions. I think if I talk about them to you whom I trust I can start to feel better about it.
Okay.. Here goes.. I love True Blood.
More than I secretly love Lindsay Lohan, and even more than how strongly I wish for her acting career to return to the prime state it was in during Mean Girls, or even Parent Trap.
I love the TV series. I think whatsherface Rouge is perfect as Sookie.
I am so addicted to True Blood that whenever I see Sookie's name I repeat it in my head the way Bill says it.
Sookie.
Sookie.
Sookie.
I bought the book set, which consists of eight books, and finished it in less than three weeks.
I passionately picked the side of one of Sookie's love interests, in a fashion similar to the way my mother feels about love stories on her soap operas.
I have a problem. I admit it, and that is the first step.

Okay, whew. Now that I have cleared my conscious, it is back to business.

I survived midterms, and got one back today. I got 85%, which I am pretty happy with. However those people who came into contact with me during midterm week didn't fair well. When I am stressed, I turn into a giant gross zit that explodes on those around me for making tiny demands, like wanting an answer to the question of how my day was, or returning a smile they shared with me.
I'm going to leave you sit for a minute with the image of a gigantic human sized zit exploding on someone. Not a black head type zit, but a real pussy (head out of the gutter!) white head full of goo.



Okay? Yeah? Still holding down your lunch? Good! Then I will continue.

I got some very interesting news in the T department today. My friend who got his referral to the same doctor I am going to see got news of his appointment today. He starts testosterone on Wednesday. The doctor we are going to see is apparently really busy all the time because he does a bunch of stuff other then the transition thing. My friend got his referral three months ago, and just heard from the doctor today. But this news makes me think I am going to hear from the doctor right away too. From the sounds of it he does his own booking of appointments with people referred to him, so for me it makes the most sense that he will do all the booking for trans patients referred to him at once. I am assuming because of the size of Saskatoon, and how small the Queer community is that my friend and I were the only ones referred to him in the last three months. Which means that I should be getting a call tomorrow (crossing all of my fingers, and praying to Buddha), and get an appointment to start T next week!
I really hope that is how it happens, I don't want to wait two months or more to hear from him. I just want to be me. Be prepared for a very depressed Avery if I don't hear from him within the next week.

The reality that it could happen as soon as next week has really made me focus. There are things I feel like I need to do.
One thing I desperately need to do is tell me parents. I didn't think I would hear from him this fast, so I put it off. But they need to know before I start T. If I hear from the doctor tomorrow, I will tell my parents the same day. Friends be prepared for the possibility of me sleeping on your couch for a night. I think knowing the day I get start will help me with telling them, because no matter how they react it is going to happen. I think they will do okay with it, I know it is going to shock them and take time for them to be okay. I am thinking it will kinda be like me telling them I like girls, only I am hoping it will go better since they've already gone through it once. It was rough at first, but they got better with time. That is what I expect of them.
Another thing I feel like I have to do is hug all the people I care about one last time in this body. For me it won't be a good-bye hug, because I am finally becoming the real me. But more a Thank you/Remembrance hug. You people have added to my happiness and kept me going in the rough patches. We have so many memories together with me in this body, and I just want to honour those memories with a hug and welcome in the new memories we are going to make. But I am aware that maybe those people need will to say a good-bye in some way to the body I have had throughout our relationship.
Also, I feel like I need to have a tribute to this body. Really become fully aware of every part of it, and thank it. Honour it, the way it has honoured and loved me. A long meditation session is needed.
I don't feel like this is going to be the death of this body, it may sound that way but it is in fact the exact opposite. I know that this body is going to grow, and become all that it should be. I feel like I should honour it one last time in the form it is now.

Another note on my transition is how well the pronoun change is going. The people around me are phenomenal. I am proud to be around my friends. They are trying so hard to use the right pronouns. It doesn't both me one bit if they slip up because I can see they are trying, which means they respect me.

'I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one', was the first sentence I learned how to sign using sign language. Random fact about Mr. Fin, also a wicked segway (every time I heard that word I think of those scooter things...hey! Something shiny!) into my next topic, which is what I appreciate most, girls.
Things are going really well in that department.
I got hit on, and then Facebook stalked by some girl yesterday.
Juliet and I are still in contact. Pretty much in the same place I mentioned last post, which was up in the air. But I enjoy floating, so I'm okay with it.
I went on a date with a new girl. She randomly flirted with me this summer at an ice-cream place she worked at, then a couple weeks later we were introduced officially through some friends. She went away to Montreal for a little while, but contacted me recently. I didn't remember her at all, whoops. After a little while it came back to me, so we went out on a date. I think it went decently well.
But I feel like I may just be going through the motions. Doing what I know I am supposed to be doing but not really connecting. Maybe because I am still happily up in the air with Juliet, and because the new girl really likes me, and chased after me. Which I know is a good thing, and shows that she is not playing games.
But there is some weird part of me that prefers to do the chasing. I usually don't pay as much attention to those who chase after me, than if it happens the other way around. I don't know why it is, if you have an idea tell me.
Is it because I target girls that I subconsciously know I won't get a real relationship with, thus freeing myself from any real pain that might come from a real relationship?
Or it is the complete opposite, maybe I like getting hurt and that is why I pick girls who will play around with me.?
Or maybe it is neither of those options, maybe I pick girls that truly capture my attention and what follows coincidently happens in a similar pattern every time.
I like to think it is the last option.
Wow, I just went all Dr. Phil on ya'll, just let 're buck all over ya'lls. See what I did there. I live in Saskatchewan I know how to talk county hick.

Anyhoodle, we should have coffee again sometime soon. It was really nice to see you again! Okay. Bye, Bye now.
Yeah, but fo rizzle. I wIlL uPdAtE yOu aS sOoN aS I hEaR fRoM tHe DoCtOr AbOuT t, oR sOoNeR iF tHaT dOeSn'T hApPeN RiGhT aWay.

P.S. If you ever talk to me like that in text or on the computer I will find you, and cunt punch you so hard that your grandbabies feel it.

P.P.S. SOOKIE!

That is all.

- Mr. Fin

Birthday celebrations

Mere hours after the best present ever it was time to go out and celebrate my birthday. A 'Drink a Straight bar Gay' event was going on that night, so I decided to party at Whiskey Jacks. All the Queers/Allys wear pink, and go to a straight bar for a change. It was an okay night. I never really have a whole lot of fun at DASBG events. A football game was on, and they wouldn't turn it off! So a room full of homos who wanted to dance had to sit through a whole game. I got laughed at because I asked how many periods were in a game. I don't know football! Okay! I admit it. It just seems a bit barbaric to me, and I don't like how angry masses of people get over it. I don't dislike the sport, or sports in general. I enjoy throwing a football around with some light tackling. I played highly competive sports my whole life. I could have got a scholorship to the states because of my skill. I just dislike the mass hysteria that occurs when large amounts of money and pride become involved.
So once the game was over it was karaoke/dance time. The night started to get a bit more fun. Most everyone who attends these events has a blast, but a few of us don't as much. It is fun to experience different bars, and different music. But spending the whole night being stared/laughed at is not fun, neither is having my sex evaluated by rude groups. If you are honestly curious ask away in a polite fashion. If you are trying to be an asshole and ask really loudly to a group of people 'whether I'm a chick or a dude', I'll say something about it.
Also a person can only handle so many board shorts/dirty flip flop, wranglers/cowboy hats, combos with the background noise of grunting replays of the football game, and statements like 'A dude can't turn anywhere in this bar without seeing a fucking faggot'.
The night wasn't a complete bust, but it wasn't the best.
However, Saturday night was near-perfect.
My last birthday was a bit of a disaster due to drama, surprise! That bitch lurks everywhere! This year was different there was no drama. A group of friends and I met at a pub early in the night. A good number of people showed up, most of the people I really wanted to come did. Everyone seemed to be having fun, and got along well. I got a really nice wallet, and a gift certificate from Juliet and her sister. A couple really nice cards, full of loving words, and a little robot that dances like me.
From the pub the party made its way to Diva's for a dance party. We got there early because we didn't want to wait in line, so the dance floor was mostly empty to start. But everyone danced anyway, we all felt comfortable with each other. It was really nice. The night flew by! Dancing, hugs and laughter seems to make time speed up.

Every year I think hard about a birthday wish/goal. Last year it was; 'I am the aware, awakened Leader of my life. I will journey the path toward love, happiness and prosperity by being aware and present.' This year it was 'I wish to discover intimate, true, pure love in myself, and others. To respect, and cherish whatever form the love takes, and to be aware that every, including love, is temporary.' This comes from the awareness of this missing from my life. I have many friends and acquaintances, and I can go anywhere with the guarantee of knowing someone there. But I do not have a best friend. There are people who crush on me, but who are not intimate. I am not close enough with anyone to call up on a regular basis to cuddle and watch a movie/play video games/do nothing with. I don't have one person I can call up and pour my problems out onto, and no one does that with me. I can call up a few people for 'random fun' if I wanted too. But I have no one to cuddle with at night, and wake up next to for those profound pillow talks. So that is my goal/wish this year, I just have to trust the universe to make it happen.
I made this birthday wish on a cute purple cake made by a couple really beautiful people, Goddess, and my favourite little blondie. They even sang me happy birthday. So we (myself, and a few of my closest friends) spent the night catching up on each others lives, and eating cupcakes. It was really nice, one of those quiet nights that are always way better then going out partying.

Things with Juliet are up in the air. I really have no idea what is going on. I know my side. I’m crushin’ on her. I can’t figure out what she is thinking and feeling. She hasn’t been talking to me as much as usual, and she is hanging out with a new boy, who incidently looks/acts quite a bit like me. He is a really nice guy, so if she does like him I am glad. It is hard to tell what is going on. She does contradictory things. Example, my birthday, she kisses me then literally a few minutes later she tells me to “Go find a lady.” What?
Whatever happens I hope things don’t get weird, I would like to stay friends. I am not going to be all butt hurt over this and not want to be her friend. There are plenty of other really interesting people for me to get interested. A new motto? I think so.

I think that is where I am going to end this post. I need to find one more item to complete my Halloween costume. The search continues! I will update soon with some of my more random thoughts/events.

Testosterone Referral!!

Sorry for the delayed post. I wrote this Oct. 2, 2009.

I GOT MY TESTOSTERONE REFERRAL!!!

Finally!
Beautiful, poetic justice.
Twenty years to the day since my birth I receive permission to be born into the correct body.

I feel like Pinocchio. I’m finally going to be a 'real' boy. I have morphed, and woven a few fairy tales together that I think explain my situation. Currently I feel like the ugly duckling (I know I am not fugly), but I am not at my full potential. The story goes that the ugly duckling grows up into a beautiful swan. I switch things up a bit, and say I am going to grow into the handsome Prince, more specifically the Prince from the Frog/Princess story. Moral of the story, I may currently be the ugly duckling, but with a couple kisses and some T, I will change into a handsome Prince. Sticking around, being patient, loving me for who I am on the inside is going to pay off because I am gonna be F-ing sexy.

I just got home from my appointment with my Gender Therapist. I told her I was ready to start T, and she agreed. She is referring me to an Endo in the city. So it is just a waiting game now. She said the response time from the Endo varies. Sometimes it is right away, but other times it is a long wait. I really hope it is a short wait. My friend has been waiting two and a half months, and hasn't heard anything yet. I hope he gets in soon, and that I don't have to wait as long as he has.

This really is the best present I have received since my actual birth.

I am so ready. I had felt in the past that by taking T I was taking the easy way out, that I was admitting defeat. That being this variant was just too hard, and I wanted something easier. But I know that I have tried my best that I have DONE my best. I am proud of myself, and all of my accomplishments in life. I am not taking the easy way out. There is not a situation in my life that I can look at and say I can/could do better. I am not taking T expecting that my life will be perfect because of it. It will improve my life beyond measure, but life is not easy and it won't become so because of T. I have, and will continue, to take steps to change what I am not happy with in life.
I wasn't feeling fulfilled working my job. I registered for school.
I wasn't comfortable with my name. I changed it.
Life doesn't get better by doing nothing. You have to change your thinking/actions for it to improve.

I feel so much relief. Just when I think I couldn't possibly feel it more then I already am, another wave hits me. It feels so great. I am so close. I've done everything I needed to do, everything I could do. All I do now is wait.

Waiting is going to be very easy this weekend. It is my birthday weekend! I am having two nights of partying. Tonight is the 'Drink a Straight Bar Gay' event at Whiskey Jacks. I had 'Birthday Boy' written in pink letters printed onto a ball tee.

Next update will be the events of my birthday parties!

- Avery Eros Finley