Hey Champs!
This is a T update! There are two videos this post.
I've been on T for 3 weeks now, I had my fourth shot this morning.
The first video is about the changes of this week, and an Intro/explaination to the second video.
Here is the Q&A video. Send in your questions, so they can be part of the next Q&A video.
Don't worry, I won't say who asked what.
Random, personal, silly, serious - Ask away!
Anything you are curious about.
You can send me your questions by posting a comment on this entry, facebook email/chat, text, or smoke signals.
Thanks for watching Lovely!
- Avery Eros Finley
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Everything and Nothing
I am really jealous of everyone during this time of year. I don't like feeling jealous no matter what the situation, because than I feel like I am not appreciating what I do have.
My family doesn't really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don't see each other.
Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn't really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn't like that in my family. I don't have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won't be hugs and 'I love you's', just awkward pats and silence.
My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won't hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery's house. 'Tis the season.
I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing 'I love you' from a family member.
This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn't the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.
If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.
I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.
Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.
I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn't into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn't want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.
She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental 'whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you'. There was no pile of clothes, she didn't have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.
Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.
Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn't drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn't foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn't think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.
It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn't be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn't get one, instead she said she didn't think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.
Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn't fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn't want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn't upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.
I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn't want to do that to me.
I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I've been in. I said that I don't feel like a back up plan to her.
I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don't think is as amazing as she. I don't want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn't the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.
She still didn't think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn't answered.
I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.
It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can't trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.
The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn't end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.
I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn't let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.
That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.
I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn't full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don't get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!
It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don't get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.
For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren't supposed to talk about at a party.
Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.
T Video on Monday!
- Avery
My family doesn't really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don't see each other.
Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn't really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn't like that in my family. I don't have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won't be hugs and 'I love you's', just awkward pats and silence.
My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won't hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery's house. 'Tis the season.
I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing 'I love you' from a family member.
This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn't the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.
If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.
I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.
Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.
I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn't into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn't want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.
She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental 'whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you'. There was no pile of clothes, she didn't have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.
Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.
Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn't drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn't foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn't think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.
It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn't be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn't get one, instead she said she didn't think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.
Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn't fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn't want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn't upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.
I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn't want to do that to me.
I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I've been in. I said that I don't feel like a back up plan to her.
I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don't think is as amazing as she. I don't want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn't the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.
She still didn't think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn't answered.
I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.
It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can't trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.
The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn't end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.
I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn't let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.
That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.
I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn't full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don't get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!
It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don't get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.
For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren't supposed to talk about at a party.
Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.
T Video on Monday!
- Avery
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Changes in 2 weeks - 3rd shot
This is my T video update for the week. I had my third shot yesterday, so I have been on testosterone for two weeks and one day.
If you haven't watched my earlier videos I suggest you watch them too. You could always use a little more of your favorite Dreamboat in your life.
In this first video you will find: the changes I have noticed in the last two weeks,
how my parents are dealing with my transition,
how my acquaintances are dealing with my transition,
my camera being lame,
and me pouring out my heart out about how amazing my friends are.
This second video is about the changes I am most looking forward to, and what I plan on doing with them.
It just just a lil guy, and packed full of my random awkwardness. It cut off at the end, but I was just laughing at how funny I think I am - so it is for the best.
Thanks for watching the videos! Keep the feedback coming! I appreciate all of it, especially when you compliment my manliness haha. I blame you guys if I develop an ego the same size as Kanye West's.
My next update will be a written blog, and it will be posted in a couple of days. I am super busy visiting with friends who are back in town for the holidays. A lot has happened, and more is to come, so I will have lots to write about.
My next T video will be up on Monday after my 4th shot!
Happy Holidays! Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Solstice!
Whatever you celebrate remember that a hug, and some quality time can mean a lot more than a microwave or clothes.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love, and beauty.
- Avery Eros Finley
If you haven't watched my earlier videos I suggest you watch them too. You could always use a little more of your favorite Dreamboat in your life.
In this first video you will find: the changes I have noticed in the last two weeks,
how my parents are dealing with my transition,
how my acquaintances are dealing with my transition,
my camera being lame,
and me pouring out my heart out about how amazing my friends are.
This second video is about the changes I am most looking forward to, and what I plan on doing with them.
It just just a lil guy, and packed full of my random awkwardness. It cut off at the end, but I was just laughing at how funny I think I am - so it is for the best.
Thanks for watching the videos! Keep the feedback coming! I appreciate all of it, especially when you compliment my manliness haha. I blame you guys if I develop an ego the same size as Kanye West's.
My next update will be a written blog, and it will be posted in a couple of days. I am super busy visiting with friends who are back in town for the holidays. A lot has happened, and more is to come, so I will have lots to write about.
My next T video will be up on Monday after my 4th shot!
Happy Holidays! Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Solstice!
Whatever you celebrate remember that a hug, and some quality time can mean a lot more than a microwave or clothes.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love, and beauty.
- Avery Eros Finley
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Rah Rah Ah Ah Ah Ah! Roma Roma Mama! Gaga Oh La La!
Right now, I love you forever.
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.
I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don't think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.
Love is the driving force in my life. Don't confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren't the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.
I really don't like the theory of 'two become one'. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don't think it is a healthy way to live. A person can't rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet's company so much.
I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.
Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.
I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.
The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn't it always?
Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn't know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex's, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.
So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.
I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia's for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.
I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.
I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.
As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don't care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! "Ugg" is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn't pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.
I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.
I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.
Next update due on Monday! T related video.
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.
I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don't think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.
Love is the driving force in my life. Don't confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren't the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.
I really don't like the theory of 'two become one'. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don't think it is a healthy way to live. A person can't rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet's company so much.
I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.
Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.
I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.
The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn't it always?
Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn't know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex's, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.
So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.
I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia's for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.
I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.
I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.
As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don't care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! "Ugg" is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn't pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.
I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.
I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.
Next update due on Monday! T related video.
Monday, December 14, 2009
2nd Shot - Week 1 Changes
So this update is mostly going to be all videos. In future updates about T the videos won't be as long, because I'm not going to tape the shot each time. Watch both, they are all interesting. I think so anyways, and I make the rules for this blog haha.
Okay! So the videos in this post consist of:
The injecting of my second shot. Ow. Be prepared for lots of swearing.
Changes in the first week/ramblings about the changes that are to come.
If you guys have any suggestions, comments, ideas or anything at all. Let me know, I love to hear from you.
- Peace
Finley
Okay! So the videos in this post consist of:
The injecting of my second shot. Ow. Be prepared for lots of swearing.
Changes in the first week/ramblings about the changes that are to come.
If you guys have any suggestions, comments, ideas or anything at all. Let me know, I love to hear from you.
- Peace
Finley
Thursday, December 10, 2009
First Shot of T!
On Monday, December 7 around 3:oopm I had my first shot of testosterone.
Everything fell into place so well that day. I was excited and nervous, but I was also trying to prepare myself in case I was to hit some barriers and not get prescribed testosterone.
Earlier in the week I had to get a bunch of blood work done for this appointment with my Endocrinologist. The majority of the boxes on the purple blood work sheet were checked off.
They look five vials of blood, and I got to pee in a cup. Yippie! Peeing in a cup is not easy, and it is made much harder when you haven't had anything to drink for 13 hours.
If the doctor found anything wrong in this blood work, he wouldn't prescribe me T. I was really worried about that happening.
I was so worried about things going wrong on Monday that I had a nightmare about it.
I was up at Waskesiu lake with some friends. I wasn't in a clinic, I was in a log cabin filled with people I didn't know. I only knew one person in the room, and that is one of my nurse friends. In the dream, he and his team took FIFTEEN vials of blood from my leg. After that he suddenly STABBED me in the ass with a giant turkey baster sized needle. It hurt so bad in the dream that I woke up clutching my side.
After that lovely start to the day I went about getting ready for the appointment. I took a few 'before' pictures, so I can keep track of my changes. I put some extra thought into what I was going to wear, after all it was the most important day of my life. I decided on my favourite Superman shirt.
If you know me at all, you know that I love Superman. It is safe to bet that if I am carrying a bag with me it has a Superman comic in it. There are many reasons as to why Superman is so important to me. Too many to list in this post, so I will write a separate one on it. What is important to know is that Superman's character is one that I look up to in my life. It was important for me to wear my Superman shirt on Monday, because as I would say later that day; "No longer [am I] going to be Lois Lane, but Superman . . . Or let’s be honest, Clark Kent."
My personal Superhero that day was my friend Sierra. (That is her actual name; not one made up for my blog, she already has one of those. Muhahaha. But in the videos from Monday you are going to see who she is, so using her code name would completely defeat the purpose of having a code name.) She is one of my closest friends. Without her, my life would have been much harder and filled with much less happiness. I truly am forever in debt to her. If she ever needs a kidney, she can count on one from me.
Sierra came with me to my appointment, and gave me my first shot. I was really nervous about the appointment. I had no idea what it was going to be like, so I am grateful to have had her at my side.
When I went to pick her up to come to the appointment, she gave me cupcakes from the new cupcake store! Yeah! Speciality Cupcakes! Favourite person ever!
My appointment was at the Royal University Hospital, which is more of a maze than a hospital. After wandering around lost for a while we finally found the right area.
We saw a giant bag of fluff along the away to my doctor’s office. < That is really not vital information, but it was a really random thing to see.
I got asked every question a doctor could ever ask, and than more. I got asked multiple times, in a very serious manner, if I had to pee. I did, because I was nervous, but I said no. They way they were asking was like it was the most vital piece of information they could get from me. After the FBI like question period I got to strip naked, and put on one of those fun hospital gowns.
Yippie.
After this appointment Sierra knows everything about me.
I really had no idea that the appointment was going to be that intense. It is amazing how an open backed hospital gown makes you feel. I suddenly got super senses, and noticed things in the room that made me worry. One of them being a giant tube of lube. I had a mini melt down thinking the doctor was going to give me a pap. The second thing I noticed was a chart of the levels of acne a person can get. The last level was horrific. I told Sierra if my acne got that bad that she had to shoot me.
During this freak out/awkward 'I'm naked for the first time around you' moment Sierra once again came to the rescue. Her random goofy commentary through the whole appointment kept me calm. Without her pointing out the nurses shiny shoes, telling stories about her first pap, and general witty comments, I would have felt terrified and alone.
Turns out I over reacted about the tube of lube. When the doctor came back into the room, he did a few minor tests. One of which crushed the tiny little bit of hope I had left that I was actually not female. He did this with two measurements and a calculator. Apparently my hip to waist ratio is that of a "female phenotype". Thanks Doc, for killing my dream of having hidden testies behind my uterus. I did however feel much more secure in his skill after he said phenotype, it is a very doctor-ish word.
He took my blood pressure, which I think must have been high because he asked a couple questions related to it after, then left. I have never had blood pressure problems, but I was super worried that there was a problem and I wouldn't be able to get my T.
I am guessing it was high because of how nervous I was, and because all I ate that day was a bowl of cereal and a cupcake.
Curse you, delicious red wine chocolate cupcake!
The hospital gown was total over kill on the doctors part. There was no need for me to strip completely naked for the tests he did. Leaving my gitch on would not have been a problem. I think he was mad with power.
My blood pleasure must have been okay, because he came back in and started talking about the different kinds of testosterone!
I successfully jumped through the last hoop!
I decided that I wanted to take my testosterone in the form of weekly 100mg injections. It is the best option for what I am looking for. It causes changes to happen at the quickest rate, and it is the cheapest. I am not afraid of needles, so doing a shot every week won't be too bad.
The other options of testosterone are in pill, patch or cream form. They are all more expensive and have more cons to them. The cream can transfer onto people that the wearer touches. Which is bad, because most women don't want to grow a moustache. The pill is harder on the liver than the other forms. The patch is more slow acting than the injections.
The doctor kind of explained how to do an injection, but he didn't explain well enough. His explanation it involved a drawing of a butt . . . Needless to say Sierra and I went home and watched Youtube videos for a better explanation. I wanted to get injected into the quad, because I thought Sierra had already seen enough of me for the day.
I am not impressed with that area of the appointment. He should have gone over step by step how to do an intramuscular injection. Neither one of us had ever given a needle before, and for him to let us figure out how to do it on our own is irresponsible.
After some hugging, happy dances, fist pumps, and ‘rawrs’ (squeals) of triumph we went to fill the prescription.
One of my best buds is Trans, and was just prescribed testosterone too. He had a lot of trouble finding a pharmacy that carried it. He had to go to four pharmacies before he found one that had it. This was one of the barriers I was worried about hitting. I went to the pharmacy that filled his prescription hoping they still had some left.
I lucked out! They had some!
I walked out 1 vial of testosterone, 10 needles, 100 alcohol swabs, and 1 tube of acne cream richer. Woop!
After watching Youtube videos and reading some directions on the internet, it was time for my first shot!
You can see a few things in this video:
1) Avery doesn't understand not to touch sterile things.
2) This is what happens when the doctor doesn't explain how to get medicine out of a vial. (I googled it, and now know for the next shot)
3) How awesome Sierra is.
4) How funny I am.
After we hugged it out my camera decided to run out of memory, and didn't capture the actual shot. Isn't that how it always happens? It is okay though, I got the best parts. I will video tape my next dose, and actually give you the money shot (penetration haha).
The shot didn't hurt at all! Not even a little bit uncomfortable. It went much smoother than the process of getting the T out of the vial did. It has been 3 days and I am still alive so even though the shot went a little shaky it didn't hurt me.
There you have it folks! That was my first shot of testosterone. I am now on my way to become more me.
Keep checking in, more updates are on the way. I have a new plan for updates -
Once a week I will post an update related to trans stuff. With each of these updates will be pictures and/or a video. That way the changes I've experienced will be visible. I like the idea of being able to flip through a virtual photo album and see my metamorphosis.
Also, with videos I can subject you more efficiently to my awkwardness, and charm.
I will also post weekly updates covering everything else this blog is about. My personal ramblings, rants, love, random adventures, and my Yoda like wisdom.
- With all the love in my superhero heart,
Avery Eros Finley
Everything fell into place so well that day. I was excited and nervous, but I was also trying to prepare myself in case I was to hit some barriers and not get prescribed testosterone.
Earlier in the week I had to get a bunch of blood work done for this appointment with my Endocrinologist. The majority of the boxes on the purple blood work sheet were checked off.
They look five vials of blood, and I got to pee in a cup. Yippie! Peeing in a cup is not easy, and it is made much harder when you haven't had anything to drink for 13 hours.
If the doctor found anything wrong in this blood work, he wouldn't prescribe me T. I was really worried about that happening.
I was so worried about things going wrong on Monday that I had a nightmare about it.
I was up at Waskesiu lake with some friends. I wasn't in a clinic, I was in a log cabin filled with people I didn't know. I only knew one person in the room, and that is one of my nurse friends. In the dream, he and his team took FIFTEEN vials of blood from my leg. After that he suddenly STABBED me in the ass with a giant turkey baster sized needle. It hurt so bad in the dream that I woke up clutching my side.
After that lovely start to the day I went about getting ready for the appointment. I took a few 'before' pictures, so I can keep track of my changes. I put some extra thought into what I was going to wear, after all it was the most important day of my life. I decided on my favourite Superman shirt.
If you know me at all, you know that I love Superman. It is safe to bet that if I am carrying a bag with me it has a Superman comic in it. There are many reasons as to why Superman is so important to me. Too many to list in this post, so I will write a separate one on it. What is important to know is that Superman's character is one that I look up to in my life. It was important for me to wear my Superman shirt on Monday, because as I would say later that day; "No longer [am I] going to be Lois Lane, but Superman . . . Or let’s be honest, Clark Kent."
My personal Superhero that day was my friend Sierra. (That is her actual name; not one made up for my blog, she already has one of those. Muhahaha. But in the videos from Monday you are going to see who she is, so using her code name would completely defeat the purpose of having a code name.) She is one of my closest friends. Without her, my life would have been much harder and filled with much less happiness. I truly am forever in debt to her. If she ever needs a kidney, she can count on one from me.
Sierra came with me to my appointment, and gave me my first shot. I was really nervous about the appointment. I had no idea what it was going to be like, so I am grateful to have had her at my side.
When I went to pick her up to come to the appointment, she gave me cupcakes from the new cupcake store! Yeah! Speciality Cupcakes! Favourite person ever!
My appointment was at the Royal University Hospital, which is more of a maze than a hospital. After wandering around lost for a while we finally found the right area.
We saw a giant bag of fluff along the away to my doctor’s office. < That is really not vital information, but it was a really random thing to see.
I got asked every question a doctor could ever ask, and than more. I got asked multiple times, in a very serious manner, if I had to pee. I did, because I was nervous, but I said no. They way they were asking was like it was the most vital piece of information they could get from me. After the FBI like question period I got to strip naked, and put on one of those fun hospital gowns.
Yippie.
After this appointment Sierra knows everything about me.
I really had no idea that the appointment was going to be that intense. It is amazing how an open backed hospital gown makes you feel. I suddenly got super senses, and noticed things in the room that made me worry. One of them being a giant tube of lube. I had a mini melt down thinking the doctor was going to give me a pap. The second thing I noticed was a chart of the levels of acne a person can get. The last level was horrific. I told Sierra if my acne got that bad that she had to shoot me.
During this freak out/awkward 'I'm naked for the first time around you' moment Sierra once again came to the rescue. Her random goofy commentary through the whole appointment kept me calm. Without her pointing out the nurses shiny shoes, telling stories about her first pap, and general witty comments, I would have felt terrified and alone.
Turns out I over reacted about the tube of lube. When the doctor came back into the room, he did a few minor tests. One of which crushed the tiny little bit of hope I had left that I was actually not female. He did this with two measurements and a calculator. Apparently my hip to waist ratio is that of a "female phenotype". Thanks Doc, for killing my dream of having hidden testies behind my uterus. I did however feel much more secure in his skill after he said phenotype, it is a very doctor-ish word.
He took my blood pressure, which I think must have been high because he asked a couple questions related to it after, then left. I have never had blood pressure problems, but I was super worried that there was a problem and I wouldn't be able to get my T.
I am guessing it was high because of how nervous I was, and because all I ate that day was a bowl of cereal and a cupcake.
Curse you, delicious red wine chocolate cupcake!
The hospital gown was total over kill on the doctors part. There was no need for me to strip completely naked for the tests he did. Leaving my gitch on would not have been a problem. I think he was mad with power.
My blood pleasure must have been okay, because he came back in and started talking about the different kinds of testosterone!
I successfully jumped through the last hoop!
I decided that I wanted to take my testosterone in the form of weekly 100mg injections. It is the best option for what I am looking for. It causes changes to happen at the quickest rate, and it is the cheapest. I am not afraid of needles, so doing a shot every week won't be too bad.
The other options of testosterone are in pill, patch or cream form. They are all more expensive and have more cons to them. The cream can transfer onto people that the wearer touches. Which is bad, because most women don't want to grow a moustache. The pill is harder on the liver than the other forms. The patch is more slow acting than the injections.
The doctor kind of explained how to do an injection, but he didn't explain well enough. His explanation it involved a drawing of a butt . . . Needless to say Sierra and I went home and watched Youtube videos for a better explanation. I wanted to get injected into the quad, because I thought Sierra had already seen enough of me for the day.
I am not impressed with that area of the appointment. He should have gone over step by step how to do an intramuscular injection. Neither one of us had ever given a needle before, and for him to let us figure out how to do it on our own is irresponsible.
After some hugging, happy dances, fist pumps, and ‘rawrs’ (squeals) of triumph we went to fill the prescription.
One of my best buds is Trans, and was just prescribed testosterone too. He had a lot of trouble finding a pharmacy that carried it. He had to go to four pharmacies before he found one that had it. This was one of the barriers I was worried about hitting. I went to the pharmacy that filled his prescription hoping they still had some left.
I lucked out! They had some!
I walked out 1 vial of testosterone, 10 needles, 100 alcohol swabs, and 1 tube of acne cream richer. Woop!
After watching Youtube videos and reading some directions on the internet, it was time for my first shot!
You can see a few things in this video:
1) Avery doesn't understand not to touch sterile things.
2) This is what happens when the doctor doesn't explain how to get medicine out of a vial. (I googled it, and now know for the next shot)
3) How awesome Sierra is.
4) How funny I am.
After we hugged it out my camera decided to run out of memory, and didn't capture the actual shot. Isn't that how it always happens? It is okay though, I got the best parts. I will video tape my next dose, and actually give you the money shot (penetration haha).
The shot didn't hurt at all! Not even a little bit uncomfortable. It went much smoother than the process of getting the T out of the vial did. It has been 3 days and I am still alive so even though the shot went a little shaky it didn't hurt me.
There you have it folks! That was my first shot of testosterone. I am now on my way to become more me.
Keep checking in, more updates are on the way. I have a new plan for updates -
Once a week I will post an update related to trans stuff. With each of these updates will be pictures and/or a video. That way the changes I've experienced will be visible. I like the idea of being able to flip through a virtual photo album and see my metamorphosis.
Also, with videos I can subject you more efficiently to my awkwardness, and charm.
I will also post weekly updates covering everything else this blog is about. My personal ramblings, rants, love, random adventures, and my Yoda like wisdom.
- With all the love in my superhero heart,
Avery Eros Finley
Friday, December 4, 2009
Silver Lining
This past Sunday is now the ideal that I will compare all future Sundays to. It is in the top 10 best days I have ever had. I was laying in my fort reading mylifeisaverage.com when I got a text from Juliet wanting to go for brunch, and not just any brunch, a Bessborough brunch. We looked like unshowered, hipster hoodlums; which we are, but the place was so classy it was noticeable! The food was oh so tasty. I had sushi, cheese, AND an omelette all in one meal.
After brunch I had a heavenly piece of vanilla cloud, otherwise known as a well-made London Fog. I planned on writing an essay, but ended up puttering around the internet. After the weekend I had a day full of happiness and magic was deserved.
I hung out at Hogwarts for a few hours before I went to Flint for Slam Poetry. Holy. It was beautiful! The place was packed, and for the first time ever all the spots for poets filled. It was three hours of magic. The poets cast spells on us with their words. My friend Sage lived up to her alter ego name. She was profound, and honest in her poems. Her skills have developed so quickly. I am in complete awe of her. All the poets were amazing, and the crowd was wicked. The crowd was reactive to the poems. There was lots of booing for bad judge calls, finger snapping for touching lines, and yells of agreement throughout the poems. I hope this is the beginning of how the slams are going to be from now on.
I hope all the happiness, and fun experienced this weekend are the start of something long term. Minus the breaking of my parent’s hearts, this was the best weekend I have had in a really long time. Thank you to everyone who was present, and made this weekend as full of love as it was.
It has finally snowed. I'm not thrilled about it. I keep having flashes of what it feels like to walk outside in -40 weather. Or that split second when your hand freezes to the door knob and you’re not sure if it will come off. I happen to extremely clumsy, and I tend to stumble a lot. This only increases as the sidewalks get icy. While walking anywhere in the city I constantly have the irrational fear that I will slip and fall tongue first onto one of the many chunky, rusty sculptures littered throughout our city.
I am not a complete Grinch about winter. I am excited to go ice skating, and sledding this year. My first date ever was ice skating on the rink beside the Bess; I was 17 haha. Ahh, a late bloomer. I am also really excited to have a warm drink and curl up by a window. Not only does it make me look like I am full of wise thoughts, but it is really relaxing. In celebration of school being done, and of me being a complete nerd I have found a bunch of recipes to make Butterbeer. Yup, from Harry Potter. I am way too excited about this and don’t know why I haven’t tried to make it before. The recipes are all very different. Some have apple cider, beer, milk, ice cream, soda or different kinds of butterscotch in them. I will try them all, and let you know which one is the winner.
My goal of making out on the 3rd floor of the library has yet to be fulfilled. The girl from this weekend just had a break up, so we actually studied on the 3rd floor. I have all of the next term for it to happen. I will continue my foot tapping under the cubicles in hopes that someone will pick up on it. I will make it happen!
R-R-R-Rant Time! I am writing this in the library on campus, and I am about to knock out a first year couple. They have been sitting across from me for about an hour, and have yet to stop touching. They are talking loudly, and they are not sharing the table! Their shit is slowly creeping across the table. I am left only with a tiny little corner. I feel like I am playing a game of risk and losing all my countries.
I am seriously about two seconds away from running at them full speed and breaking through their hand holding, Red Rover style. Seriously there is NO REASON to hold hands that long in public. What the fuck? Are you scared that if you let go of his hand he is going to run away?
Also, why are you holding hands like you are doing the handshake of Will and Jazz from Fresh Prince. Gross.
They are not the first couple I have seen to act like this. You can find these naive first year couples blocking the arts’ ramp; holding each other like they are Jack and Rose floating in the ocean.
I want to yell at them, and slap them in the face with reality.
"Hey Love Birds! Stop making out for a second. It looks like you are a Mama bird regurgitating into her mouth. Good, now that I have your attention.
GROW UP! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED!
No! It really is not going to happen. What is going to happen is gonna go something like this: The first evening you spend apart from each other he is going to go to a big boy party. Meet a slutty second year, and have the sex that you have been withholding from him last two years.
Oh Honey, don't cry. It will get better for you too. See after you drown yourself in a tub of ice cream, fail an exam, and get asked by your lab partner to start showering before class you will pick your sorry ass up, dress it in the tightest pair of pants your own, and march yourself to the campus café. This is wear you will meet a boy who won't remember your name or call you back. BUT he will give you forty bucks for a cab, and a plan B pill. Welcome to university life! Go get 'em Tiger, Rawr!"
The likelihood that a high school relationship will last in collage is about the same as someone saying that the red bumps on their junk are pimples, and they are actually pimples. Majority of the time high school relationships end, and the "pimples" are herpes.
Whew, I feel better now.
I had a mid term yesterday, one today, and one tomorrow. Than it is party time! This weekend is going to be a ton of fun. I have been listening to Lady Gaga remixes as my study music, and I am ready to actually dance to them.
My next update will be about my first shot of testosterone! There may be a video with it. I am thinking about adding a video portion to the blog. That way I will have a record of the changes I go through, and will be able to notice them week to week. I also plan on doing some picture video thing. I saw a video where a lady took a picture of her stomach every week throughout her pregnancy and than speed them up in a video. It was so cool, you could really see how quickly her body changed.
- Have a good weekend! I hope to see you!
Dreamboat
After brunch I had a heavenly piece of vanilla cloud, otherwise known as a well-made London Fog. I planned on writing an essay, but ended up puttering around the internet. After the weekend I had a day full of happiness and magic was deserved.
I hung out at Hogwarts for a few hours before I went to Flint for Slam Poetry. Holy. It was beautiful! The place was packed, and for the first time ever all the spots for poets filled. It was three hours of magic. The poets cast spells on us with their words. My friend Sage lived up to her alter ego name. She was profound, and honest in her poems. Her skills have developed so quickly. I am in complete awe of her. All the poets were amazing, and the crowd was wicked. The crowd was reactive to the poems. There was lots of booing for bad judge calls, finger snapping for touching lines, and yells of agreement throughout the poems. I hope this is the beginning of how the slams are going to be from now on.
I hope all the happiness, and fun experienced this weekend are the start of something long term. Minus the breaking of my parent’s hearts, this was the best weekend I have had in a really long time. Thank you to everyone who was present, and made this weekend as full of love as it was.
It has finally snowed. I'm not thrilled about it. I keep having flashes of what it feels like to walk outside in -40 weather. Or that split second when your hand freezes to the door knob and you’re not sure if it will come off. I happen to extremely clumsy, and I tend to stumble a lot. This only increases as the sidewalks get icy. While walking anywhere in the city I constantly have the irrational fear that I will slip and fall tongue first onto one of the many chunky, rusty sculptures littered throughout our city.
I am not a complete Grinch about winter. I am excited to go ice skating, and sledding this year. My first date ever was ice skating on the rink beside the Bess; I was 17 haha. Ahh, a late bloomer. I am also really excited to have a warm drink and curl up by a window. Not only does it make me look like I am full of wise thoughts, but it is really relaxing. In celebration of school being done, and of me being a complete nerd I have found a bunch of recipes to make Butterbeer. Yup, from Harry Potter. I am way too excited about this and don’t know why I haven’t tried to make it before. The recipes are all very different. Some have apple cider, beer, milk, ice cream, soda or different kinds of butterscotch in them. I will try them all, and let you know which one is the winner.
My goal of making out on the 3rd floor of the library has yet to be fulfilled. The girl from this weekend just had a break up, so we actually studied on the 3rd floor. I have all of the next term for it to happen. I will continue my foot tapping under the cubicles in hopes that someone will pick up on it. I will make it happen!
R-R-R-Rant Time! I am writing this in the library on campus, and I am about to knock out a first year couple. They have been sitting across from me for about an hour, and have yet to stop touching. They are talking loudly, and they are not sharing the table! Their shit is slowly creeping across the table. I am left only with a tiny little corner. I feel like I am playing a game of risk and losing all my countries.
I am seriously about two seconds away from running at them full speed and breaking through their hand holding, Red Rover style. Seriously there is NO REASON to hold hands that long in public. What the fuck? Are you scared that if you let go of his hand he is going to run away?
Also, why are you holding hands like you are doing the handshake of Will and Jazz from Fresh Prince. Gross.
They are not the first couple I have seen to act like this. You can find these naive first year couples blocking the arts’ ramp; holding each other like they are Jack and Rose floating in the ocean.
I want to yell at them, and slap them in the face with reality.
"Hey Love Birds! Stop making out for a second. It looks like you are a Mama bird regurgitating into her mouth. Good, now that I have your attention.
GROW UP! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED!
No! It really is not going to happen. What is going to happen is gonna go something like this: The first evening you spend apart from each other he is going to go to a big boy party. Meet a slutty second year, and have the sex that you have been withholding from him last two years.
Oh Honey, don't cry. It will get better for you too. See after you drown yourself in a tub of ice cream, fail an exam, and get asked by your lab partner to start showering before class you will pick your sorry ass up, dress it in the tightest pair of pants your own, and march yourself to the campus café. This is wear you will meet a boy who won't remember your name or call you back. BUT he will give you forty bucks for a cab, and a plan B pill. Welcome to university life! Go get 'em Tiger, Rawr!"
The likelihood that a high school relationship will last in collage is about the same as someone saying that the red bumps on their junk are pimples, and they are actually pimples. Majority of the time high school relationships end, and the "pimples" are herpes.
Whew, I feel better now.
I had a mid term yesterday, one today, and one tomorrow. Than it is party time! This weekend is going to be a ton of fun. I have been listening to Lady Gaga remixes as my study music, and I am ready to actually dance to them.
My next update will be about my first shot of testosterone! There may be a video with it. I am thinking about adding a video portion to the blog. That way I will have a record of the changes I go through, and will be able to notice them week to week. I also plan on doing some picture video thing. I saw a video where a lady took a picture of her stomach every week throughout her pregnancy and than speed them up in a video. It was so cool, you could really see how quickly her body changed.
- Have a good weekend! I hope to see you!
Dreamboat
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Coming Out to my Parents
I did this entry over a period of a few days. I told my parents I am trans on Saturday, and am writing this now Wednesday night. I decided to keep this time line structure, because I think it shows the range of feelings that were felt.
Saturday - Morning
Ugh. I am going to vomit. I am in the mist of telling my parents. I left the letter for them, and than scamped away to my Fortress of Solitude. I am so nervous. Right now in this moment I feel like I am completely crushing someone's world.
Oh, and I discovered that when I am nervous I get uncontrollable hick ups. This information can be added to the list of reasons why I may be the worst person to run to for help in a zombie attack. The other reasons on the list are that when I am scared I scream, kick, and than vomit. When everyone who got an H1N1 vaccination turns into a zombie the only way I will survive is because of my extensive practice in killing zombies on video games. Even than, I scream like a little sissy.
Apparently I ramble when I am out of my mind nervous, charming. I knew I did that around people who get my heart beating faster, but it seems to apply to all areas where nerves come into play.
Saturday - Evening
Okay, so this is a few hours later. I am at home now, and my parents read the letter. I was right to feel like I was crushing someone's world. I did. I totally killed my parent’s child. I killed the blue eyed, blonde haired, cute daughter they always had.
My mom is scared for my physical health, but more so for my psychological well being. She is scared that I am going to change my mind done the line when it is too late. Or end up alone forever. That is her biggest worry, and to be honest it is mine too. It is so hard for regular people to find love in this world, how the fuck am I going to do it? I understand why that is her biggest worry. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have had the same person to walk beside them in life. They know how amazing and important that is. She is worried I won’t get to experience that.
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I disappointed them beyond all reason. It hurt so bad to see my Mom try so hard to be strong for me, but break down over the little blue eyed girl she loved so much.
You know how it feels to have your parents mad and angry at you? It is really hard. But on that rare occasion when we do something that doesn't make them angry, we do something that disappoints them and makes them sad. How that is so much worse, because we know we let them down. That is how this feels. I wish my parents had gotten angry and yelled. It is much harder to see the mourning in their eyes.
Wednesday - Night
I am beyond proud of my parents. My mom is trying so hard, and I can tell she is. I left the letter for my parents on Saturday morning, and disappeared so they could have time to digest it. I didn't want to be around for their initial reactions. When I came back later that night, my mom came down and talked to me. She sat on my bed, and just looked at me. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and I could tell she was exhausted. She said "This is really heavy . . . this is a lot." But the next words out of her mouth were supportive, and she hugged me (which is rare in my family). She said she doesn't really understand it, but she understands that I need to do this. She wants me to be happy, and healthy. She was really impressed about the way I had gone about this: talking to a therapist for almost a year, extensive research, just generally taking my time with it.
She wasn't crying to start. I could tell she wanted to, but that she was trying to be strong. But when she said "I understand that you have to do this, but I don't think I can ever call you Avery or he . . . " She started to break down, "You will always be my little blonde haired, blued eyed girl." This is when she really started to cry. This is when I knew I stole her little girl from her forever.
She is trying so hard to wrap her head around it. She said she has watched lots of talk shows on it. She knows what it is. She knows that I am not going to change. The person I have been my whole life is not going to change. Just the shell is. She kept repeating it, I think mostly to remind herself more than me.
My mom is a nurse. So the medical aspect of what is going to happen concerns her a great deal. She is worried that I am going to get sick, or hurt from this. I did my best to explain that it is safe, but that at some point I may need surgery due to the hormones.
Like I said earlier, she is most concerned with the mental aspect of all this. She thinks I am too young to make this decision. She is worried that I will start hormones, and than in a few years regret what I've done. I explained to her that I have thought about this every day of my life. That I have talked to my therapist for a long time, and my friends about it even longer. I need to do this now, because it is too hard to keep going the way I am. I have done the best I can as I am, it is time that I get to live as the person I want to be.
She is worried that I won't find love. She is concerned about me dating, when am I going to tell the person about it? I told her that I am really aware that it is going to be hard for me to find love. But that in order for anyone to love me I need to love myself first, and this is how I am going to be able to love myself. I would rather be alone and happy with myself, than with someone and lying. I explained that I have trans friends who are dating, and married; they were able to find someone. It is possible for me. When I love someone, I love their soul. I just need to find someone who can do the same.
She tried to warn me that some people may not understand this, or accept it. I told her I knew that, and I had already lost some friends because of it. She was really sad about that, but said that it is their loss. If they can't see that I am a good person, than they weren't worth it.
I haven't really cried around my mom in a long time, and she has never really cried around me ever. But after we finished she hugged me and broke down, and I did the same. I was crying because I knew I hurt her so bad. I am not sure why she was crying . . . maybe for the loss she was feeling, or maybe because of her concerns for me.
Since we talked, my mom keeps coming downstairs to my room and peeking around the corner into my room. I'm not sure if she wants to talk to me, but chickens out. Or it she is checking to make sure I haven't killed myself. She talked about being really worried that I would do something like that. I had to convince her I wasn't going to. She is right to worry about it though: 31% of trans people kill themselves, and more than 50% attempt it by the age 20. I kinda went through that a couple years ago, I was really depressed. But I'm okay now. I am know I am a good person, that there are people who understand me, and that soon I am going to be happier with how I look.
My Dad and I haven't talked about it, and we won't. I know he read the letter. I asked my mom how he felt. She said that he isn't mad, he understands that they can't do anything about it. He didn't look at me for a couple days . . . which really hurt. I was kind of expecting it though, he did the same thing when he found out I liked girls. But now we are talking like nothing happened, about small unimportant things. I wish he would say something to me, but I just don't think he has the words. My family is not vocal about feelings. We rarely, almost never, say that we love each other. So I think that is part of it. I want him to be proud of me though, so I wish he would talk to me.
I think they will come along with time. It took them a really long time to get a little bit more comfortable about me liking girls. But they improved over time, hopefully the same will happen with this. I think once they see the changes happening they will realize that they aren't going to be able to ignore this. Hopefully they will see me grow into who I am, and realize they are not losing a child but finally getting to see the one they've always had.
- Avery Eros Finley
A happy post will be posted in the next couple days.
Next week there will be a post about how awesome this weekend is going to be. School break!!!!
There will also be one or two about getting my T on Monday!
Saturday - Morning
Ugh. I am going to vomit. I am in the mist of telling my parents. I left the letter for them, and than scamped away to my Fortress of Solitude. I am so nervous. Right now in this moment I feel like I am completely crushing someone's world.
Oh, and I discovered that when I am nervous I get uncontrollable hick ups. This information can be added to the list of reasons why I may be the worst person to run to for help in a zombie attack. The other reasons on the list are that when I am scared I scream, kick, and than vomit. When everyone who got an H1N1 vaccination turns into a zombie the only way I will survive is because of my extensive practice in killing zombies on video games. Even than, I scream like a little sissy.
Apparently I ramble when I am out of my mind nervous, charming. I knew I did that around people who get my heart beating faster, but it seems to apply to all areas where nerves come into play.
Saturday - Evening
Okay, so this is a few hours later. I am at home now, and my parents read the letter. I was right to feel like I was crushing someone's world. I did. I totally killed my parent’s child. I killed the blue eyed, blonde haired, cute daughter they always had.
My mom is scared for my physical health, but more so for my psychological well being. She is scared that I am going to change my mind done the line when it is too late. Or end up alone forever. That is her biggest worry, and to be honest it is mine too. It is so hard for regular people to find love in this world, how the fuck am I going to do it? I understand why that is her biggest worry. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have had the same person to walk beside them in life. They know how amazing and important that is. She is worried I won’t get to experience that.
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I disappointed them beyond all reason. It hurt so bad to see my Mom try so hard to be strong for me, but break down over the little blue eyed girl she loved so much.
You know how it feels to have your parents mad and angry at you? It is really hard. But on that rare occasion when we do something that doesn't make them angry, we do something that disappoints them and makes them sad. How that is so much worse, because we know we let them down. That is how this feels. I wish my parents had gotten angry and yelled. It is much harder to see the mourning in their eyes.
Wednesday - Night
I am beyond proud of my parents. My mom is trying so hard, and I can tell she is. I left the letter for my parents on Saturday morning, and disappeared so they could have time to digest it. I didn't want to be around for their initial reactions. When I came back later that night, my mom came down and talked to me. She sat on my bed, and just looked at me. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and I could tell she was exhausted. She said "This is really heavy . . . this is a lot." But the next words out of her mouth were supportive, and she hugged me (which is rare in my family). She said she doesn't really understand it, but she understands that I need to do this. She wants me to be happy, and healthy. She was really impressed about the way I had gone about this: talking to a therapist for almost a year, extensive research, just generally taking my time with it.
She wasn't crying to start. I could tell she wanted to, but that she was trying to be strong. But when she said "I understand that you have to do this, but I don't think I can ever call you Avery or he . . . " She started to break down, "You will always be my little blonde haired, blued eyed girl." This is when she really started to cry. This is when I knew I stole her little girl from her forever.
She is trying so hard to wrap her head around it. She said she has watched lots of talk shows on it. She knows what it is. She knows that I am not going to change. The person I have been my whole life is not going to change. Just the shell is. She kept repeating it, I think mostly to remind herself more than me.
My mom is a nurse. So the medical aspect of what is going to happen concerns her a great deal. She is worried that I am going to get sick, or hurt from this. I did my best to explain that it is safe, but that at some point I may need surgery due to the hormones.
Like I said earlier, she is most concerned with the mental aspect of all this. She thinks I am too young to make this decision. She is worried that I will start hormones, and than in a few years regret what I've done. I explained to her that I have thought about this every day of my life. That I have talked to my therapist for a long time, and my friends about it even longer. I need to do this now, because it is too hard to keep going the way I am. I have done the best I can as I am, it is time that I get to live as the person I want to be.
She is worried that I won't find love. She is concerned about me dating, when am I going to tell the person about it? I told her that I am really aware that it is going to be hard for me to find love. But that in order for anyone to love me I need to love myself first, and this is how I am going to be able to love myself. I would rather be alone and happy with myself, than with someone and lying. I explained that I have trans friends who are dating, and married; they were able to find someone. It is possible for me. When I love someone, I love their soul. I just need to find someone who can do the same.
She tried to warn me that some people may not understand this, or accept it. I told her I knew that, and I had already lost some friends because of it. She was really sad about that, but said that it is their loss. If they can't see that I am a good person, than they weren't worth it.
I haven't really cried around my mom in a long time, and she has never really cried around me ever. But after we finished she hugged me and broke down, and I did the same. I was crying because I knew I hurt her so bad. I am not sure why she was crying . . . maybe for the loss she was feeling, or maybe because of her concerns for me.
Since we talked, my mom keeps coming downstairs to my room and peeking around the corner into my room. I'm not sure if she wants to talk to me, but chickens out. Or it she is checking to make sure I haven't killed myself. She talked about being really worried that I would do something like that. I had to convince her I wasn't going to. She is right to worry about it though: 31% of trans people kill themselves, and more than 50% attempt it by the age 20. I kinda went through that a couple years ago, I was really depressed. But I'm okay now. I am know I am a good person, that there are people who understand me, and that soon I am going to be happier with how I look.
My Dad and I haven't talked about it, and we won't. I know he read the letter. I asked my mom how he felt. She said that he isn't mad, he understands that they can't do anything about it. He didn't look at me for a couple days . . . which really hurt. I was kind of expecting it though, he did the same thing when he found out I liked girls. But now we are talking like nothing happened, about small unimportant things. I wish he would say something to me, but I just don't think he has the words. My family is not vocal about feelings. We rarely, almost never, say that we love each other. So I think that is part of it. I want him to be proud of me though, so I wish he would talk to me.
I think they will come along with time. It took them a really long time to get a little bit more comfortable about me liking girls. But they improved over time, hopefully the same will happen with this. I think once they see the changes happening they will realize that they aren't going to be able to ignore this. Hopefully they will see me grow into who I am, and realize they are not losing a child but finally getting to see the one they've always had.
- Avery Eros Finley
A happy post will be posted in the next couple days.
Next week there will be a post about how awesome this weekend is going to be. School break!!!!
There will also be one or two about getting my T on Monday!
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