Everything and Nothing

I am really jealous of everyone during this time of year. I don't like feeling jealous no matter what the situation, because than I feel like I am not appreciating what I do have.
My family doesn't really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don't see each other.

Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn't really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn't like that in my family. I don't have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won't be hugs and 'I love you's', just awkward pats and silence.

My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won't hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery's house. 'Tis the season.

I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing 'I love you' from a family member.

This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn't the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.

If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.

I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.

Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.

I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn't into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn't want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.

She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental 'whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you'. There was no pile of clothes, she didn't have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.

Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.

Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn't drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn't foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn't think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.

It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn't be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn't get one, instead she said she didn't think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.

Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn't fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn't want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn't upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.

I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn't want to do that to me.

I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I've been in. I said that I don't feel like a back up plan to her.

I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don't think is as amazing as she. I don't want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn't the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.

She still didn't think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn't answered.

I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.

It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can't trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.

The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn't end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.

I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn't let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.

That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.

I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn't full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don't get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!

It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don't get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.

For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren't supposed to talk about at a party.

Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.

T Video on Monday!

- Avery