Coming Out to my Parents

I did this entry over a period of a few days. I told my parents I am trans on Saturday, and am writing this now Wednesday night. I decided to keep this time line structure, because I think it shows the range of feelings that were felt.

Saturday - Morning

Ugh. I am going to vomit. I am in the mist of telling my parents. I left the letter for them, and than scamped away to my Fortress of Solitude. I am so nervous. Right now in this moment I feel like I am completely crushing someone's world.
Oh, and I discovered that when I am nervous I get uncontrollable hick ups. This information can be added to the list of reasons why I may be the worst person to run to for help in a zombie attack. The other reasons on the list are that when I am scared I scream, kick, and than vomit. When everyone who got an H1N1 vaccination turns into a zombie the only way I will survive is because of my extensive practice in killing zombies on video games. Even than, I scream like a little sissy.
Apparently I ramble when I am out of my mind nervous, charming. I knew I did that around people who get my heart beating faster, but it seems to apply to all areas where nerves come into play.

Saturday - Evening

Okay, so this is a few hours later. I am at home now, and my parents read the letter. I was right to feel like I was crushing someone's world. I did. I totally killed my parent’s child. I killed the blue eyed, blonde haired, cute daughter they always had.
My mom is scared for my physical health, but more so for my psychological well being. She is scared that I am going to change my mind done the line when it is too late. Or end up alone forever. That is her biggest worry, and to be honest it is mine too. It is so hard for regular people to find love in this world, how the fuck am I going to do it? I understand why that is her biggest worry. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have had the same person to walk beside them in life. They know how amazing and important that is. She is worried I won’t get to experience that.
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I disappointed them beyond all reason. It hurt so bad to see my Mom try so hard to be strong for me, but break down over the little blue eyed girl she loved so much.
You know how it feels to have your parents mad and angry at you? It is really hard. But on that rare occasion when we do something that doesn't make them angry, we do something that disappoints them and makes them sad. How that is so much worse, because we know we let them down. That is how this feels. I wish my parents had gotten angry and yelled. It is much harder to see the mourning in their eyes.

Wednesday - Night

I am beyond proud of my parents. My mom is trying so hard, and I can tell she is. I left the letter for my parents on Saturday morning, and disappeared so they could have time to digest it. I didn't want to be around for their initial reactions. When I came back later that night, my mom came down and talked to me. She sat on my bed, and just looked at me. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and I could tell she was exhausted. She said "This is really heavy . . . this is a lot." But the next words out of her mouth were supportive, and she hugged me (which is rare in my family). She said she doesn't really understand it, but she understands that I need to do this. She wants me to be happy, and healthy. She was really impressed about the way I had gone about this: talking to a therapist for almost a year, extensive research, just generally taking my time with it.
She wasn't crying to start. I could tell she wanted to, but that she was trying to be strong. But when she said "I understand that you have to do this, but I don't think I can ever call you Avery or he . . . " She started to break down, "You will always be my little blonde haired, blued eyed girl." This is when she really started to cry. This is when I knew I stole her little girl from her forever.
She is trying so hard to wrap her head around it. She said she has watched lots of talk shows on it. She knows what it is. She knows that I am not going to change. The person I have been my whole life is not going to change. Just the shell is. She kept repeating it, I think mostly to remind herself more than me.
My mom is a nurse. So the medical aspect of what is going to happen concerns her a great deal. She is worried that I am going to get sick, or hurt from this. I did my best to explain that it is safe, but that at some point I may need surgery due to the hormones.
Like I said earlier, she is most concerned with the mental aspect of all this. She thinks I am too young to make this decision. She is worried that I will start hormones, and than in a few years regret what I've done. I explained to her that I have thought about this every day of my life. That I have talked to my therapist for a long time, and my friends about it even longer. I need to do this now, because it is too hard to keep going the way I am. I have done the best I can as I am, it is time that I get to live as the person I want to be.
She is worried that I won't find love. She is concerned about me dating, when am I going to tell the person about it? I told her that I am really aware that it is going to be hard for me to find love. But that in order for anyone to love me I need to love myself first, and this is how I am going to be able to love myself. I would rather be alone and happy with myself, than with someone and lying. I explained that I have trans friends who are dating, and married; they were able to find someone. It is possible for me. When I love someone, I love their soul. I just need to find someone who can do the same.
She tried to warn me that some people may not understand this, or accept it. I told her I knew that, and I had already lost some friends because of it. She was really sad about that, but said that it is their loss. If they can't see that I am a good person, than they weren't worth it.
I haven't really cried around my mom in a long time, and she has never really cried around me ever. But after we finished she hugged me and broke down, and I did the same. I was crying because I knew I hurt her so bad. I am not sure why she was crying . . . maybe for the loss she was feeling, or maybe because of her concerns for me.

Since we talked, my mom keeps coming downstairs to my room and peeking around the corner into my room. I'm not sure if she wants to talk to me, but chickens out. Or it she is checking to make sure I haven't killed myself. She talked about being really worried that I would do something like that. I had to convince her I wasn't going to. She is right to worry about it though: 31% of trans people kill themselves, and more than 50% attempt it by the age 20. I kinda went through that a couple years ago, I was really depressed. But I'm okay now. I am know I am a good person, that there are people who understand me, and that soon I am going to be happier with how I look.

My Dad and I haven't talked about it, and we won't. I know he read the letter. I asked my mom how he felt. She said that he isn't mad, he understands that they can't do anything about it. He didn't look at me for a couple days . . . which really hurt. I was kind of expecting it though, he did the same thing when he found out I liked girls. But now we are talking like nothing happened, about small unimportant things. I wish he would say something to me, but I just don't think he has the words. My family is not vocal about feelings. We rarely, almost never, say that we love each other. So I think that is part of it. I want him to be proud of me though, so I wish he would talk to me.

I think they will come along with time. It took them a really long time to get a little bit more comfortable about me liking girls. But they improved over time, hopefully the same will happen with this. I think once they see the changes happening they will realize that they aren't going to be able to ignore this. Hopefully they will see me grow into who I am, and realize they are not losing a child but finally getting to see the one they've always had.

- Avery Eros Finley

A happy post will be posted in the next couple days.
Next week there will be a post about how awesome this weekend is going to be. School break!!!!
There will also be one or two about getting my T on Monday!