First Date 101

I am, by far, no expert on relationships.
However, I have had my fair share of first dates (even if the person I'm with doesn't know it is actually a date). I also consider myself quite skilled in the art of flirting.
First dates can be nerve racking, and stressful. It's about trying to make a good impression, in a small amount of time. They can end up being very much like an interview. Only minus the middle-aged balding fat guy with a mustard stain on his tie, hopefully.
Just like in an interview there are a few things that you should not do or say, because they may hurt your chance at impressing the other person.

Everyone should know the basics:
No unattractive bodily functions.
Don't cry.
Don't talk about a past relationship the whole time.
Don't say anything that is super politically incorrect.
Don't show up in sweats/pajamas pants/stained tee/fugly outfit. Put some effort into your appearance.

Those are simple rules to follow, but I'm just getting started. No one said a first date was an easy thing to do well. I'm hoping these little tips will help you out, and you will have a more successful first date. Or they will remind you of a past first date that was really bad, and you can have a good laugh.

During a first date the conversation should be fairly balanced. Each person should get equal amounts of talking time. No one wants to go on a date, and not be able to get a single word in. If you want to talk about nothing but yourself for a couple hours, go see a therapist. Don't go on a date. I don't want to know the name of every teacher you had in grade school.

Laugh. Be funny, show the person you have a wicked sense of humour. Humour is always high on the list of what someone looks for in a person. Even though they are probably lying, and really are just to correct to say they want someone beautiful and rich. However, humour is not quoting Family Guy for the entire length of the date. It is also not a good idea to say inside jokes, if that person is not part of the original joke. It just leads to lengthy, boring explanations and the person having to fake a laugh out of politeness. Also if you are funny, you make your date laugh and you hear what it sounds like. Which is a huge factor in the decision to go on another date. See this Family Guy clip for further explanation.

I know I just said don't quote Family Guy as your humour, but I'm not on a date with you. I-I-I just see you as a friend, you know.. I mean, I'm actually seeing someone.. her name is.. Blake.. Yeah. Blake Lively. But if I was single I would totally date you. You are really great. I am totally missing out, too bad for me. It's me, not you.

I mentioned this already, but this needs to be stressed. Do not talk about an ex for the whole time. Don't even bring them up. If the other person does, a brief, undetailed explanation about your past relationships is all that is required. The longer you talk about them, the more apparent it is that you are not over them. Which causes the person you are on a date with to lose interest, because no one wants to deal with that drama.

Lesbians are famous for moving very quickly in relationships. All those U-Haul, and turkey baster jokes are true. But I have learned it is not just lesbians who run head first into relationships, some straight girls do it too. Be present during a first date. Do not talk about the future. Don't ask where you think this 'relationship' is headed, because there is no relationship. I can barely remember your name at this point. Don't mention the possibility of commitment. Keep it light. Leave the U-haul, personal items, and future babies names at home.

There are a few things that raise warning flags, sound alarms, and signal flashing lights to go off in peoples heads. Things like saying, I love trying to figure out what animal is the road kill in the ditch. I like Donald Trumps hair style. Or I have a vial of blood as a necklace on.
Those go hand in hand with saying things like, I have an addictive personality. Or I wrote a love letter to my ex, and signed it in tears. Then I dropped it off at his house, and I happened to watch him sleep through his window for a couple hours.
What you have now told your date is you are going to get easily attached, and then turn into a stalker who is impossible to break up with.
No. Bad idea. This is when your date excuses themselves to the bathroom, but actually runs out the fire exit.

Resist the urge to text. I know it is hard to be not text for an hour or two, but you must. Texting on a date is rude. Unless you are sending a 911 text to a friend, to get out of a horrendously bad date. If not, keep it in your pants. Which leads me to the next point.

This tip isn't set in stone. Sometimes first dates are really just polite foreplay for a one night stand. If this is the case, ignore this point. If not, listen carefully. Don't try to steal second base at the end of the date. A nice hug, or kiss is a decent way to end a date. If you want something other then sex from the person, keep it short and innocent.

Which brings me to my last tip. This is a tip for after the date, but it is just as important as the tips for during the event.
After the date is done, don't bombard the person with a bunch of texts or phone calls. You just saw them! The more you send, the needier you are. Sending one a couple hours after the fact saying you had a nice time is okay. But don't send more asking for when it is going to happen again, because the other person may not want it too. That's okay if they decide that. First dates are just little testers, just because you go on one does not mean you are dating, or seeing each other, or have any duties owed to the person.

Those are pretty much the most important things I've learned in life to this point. I pass this wisdom onto you, use it wisely. Appreciate it. I had to go on lots of bad dates to learn all this. Your welcome, I did all the dirty work for you.

But really, the best tip I can give you is to just be yourself on dates. You are a kick ass person (I'm assuming), someone will see it. Dates are supposed to be fun, so don't stress over them. I have discovered I learn more about myself, and what I want with every date I go on. You are amazing, and beautiful. Don't let a bad date make you doubt that.

- Yoda of Love

Aves