Well I'd like to think I'm the mess you'd wear with pride.

I let love be the driving force in my life. I try to let each thought, action, and word come from a place of love. But I am human, I slip up.
I've been having trouble connecting with other people on an intimate personal level. (No, I don't mean in bed. I am always good in bed.) My friendships, my relationships with co-workers and family are all in decent shape. But I have been putting a wall between myself and potential love interests.
I find something wrong with the person. It can be something minimal, and insignificant. But I let it be an excuse as to why this one isn't worth it.
I've been thinking with my head, when this is a matter to be ruled by the heart. The head is concerned with those silly little offences. The heart would see what really matters, the person’s soul.
Until I let my heart lead like I have with other areas of my life, I am only going to hit the walls I've built.

I really am just waiting for that moment, that feeling, when I know I have found a person I have a real connection with. It has happened to me in the past. I can pin point the exact moment when I felt her wave of energy pulse through me. I am waiting for that to happen again. But I don't know if it ever will, maybe it was a one time thing and I am waiting around for something that isn't going to happen again. I think this need to have that moment is coming from my soul, and is not an excuse from my head. If I need that moment to know I have found someone I really connect with, then I should wait for it. Right?

I've noticed a pattern with the last few romantic interests in my life, and it is not a good one. They seem to be more concerned with what I am, and not who I am.
My gender, or lack thereof is more of a concern then it should be. My heart and soul are what really matters.
I know why it is important for them to understand what I am. They feel the need to define an aspect of themselves in order to feel comfortable. But they seem to be willing to do it at the cost of my own comfort. They want to mold me into the gender that best fits their definition of who they are.
In the past I have let people do that, when I was less sure of who I am. But I won't let that happen again. The person has to accept my soul for what it is, and what it is not.

I'm not sure if this problem is occurring because I have feelings I haven't work through with myself. I know I am not perfectly at peace with my gender situation. I am still figuring out who I am, and what that means. I am accepting of it, whatever I decide it is. But maybe because I don't have that solid answer for myself it is being brought up by others.
But really how can I ever get a solid answer to that. What is a woman? What is a man? The answers are always changing.
I am happy and content in this moment to be the energy that flows and connects the two. Now I just need to find a person that loves and accepts that.

-

Yes, I believe in love,
Yes, I am a dreamer.
But I am not alone.
There are more of us then you suspect,
and we've got bombs,
truth and beauty bombs.