Hey Champs!
This is a T update! There are two videos this post.
I've been on T for 3 weeks now, I had my fourth shot this morning.
The first video is about the changes of this week, and an Intro/explaination to the second video.
Here is the Q&A video. Send in your questions, so they can be part of the next Q&A video.
Don't worry, I won't say who asked what.
Random, personal, silly, serious - Ask away!
Anything you are curious about.
You can send me your questions by posting a comment on this entry, facebook email/chat, text, or smoke signals.
Thanks for watching Lovely!
- Avery Eros Finley
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Everything and Nothing
I am really jealous of everyone during this time of year. I don't like feeling jealous no matter what the situation, because than I feel like I am not appreciating what I do have.
My family doesn't really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don't see each other.
Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn't really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn't like that in my family. I don't have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won't be hugs and 'I love you's', just awkward pats and silence.
My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won't hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery's house. 'Tis the season.
I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing 'I love you' from a family member.
This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn't the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.
If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.
I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.
Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.
I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn't into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn't want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.
She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental 'whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you'. There was no pile of clothes, she didn't have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.
Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.
Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn't drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn't foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn't think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.
It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn't be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn't get one, instead she said she didn't think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.
Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn't fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn't want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn't upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.
I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn't want to do that to me.
I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I've been in. I said that I don't feel like a back up plan to her.
I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don't think is as amazing as she. I don't want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn't the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.
She still didn't think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn't answered.
I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.
It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can't trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.
The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn't end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.
I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn't let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.
That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.
I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn't full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don't get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!
It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don't get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.
For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren't supposed to talk about at a party.
Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.
T Video on Monday!
- Avery
My family doesn't really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don't see each other.
Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn't really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn't like that in my family. I don't have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won't be hugs and 'I love you's', just awkward pats and silence.
My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won't hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery's house. 'Tis the season.
I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing 'I love you' from a family member.
This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn't the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.
If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.
I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.
Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.
I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn't into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn't want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.
She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental 'whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you'. There was no pile of clothes, she didn't have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.
Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.
Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn't drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn't foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn't think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.
It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn't be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn't get one, instead she said she didn't think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.
Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn't fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn't want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn't upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.
I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn't want to do that to me.
I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I've been in. I said that I don't feel like a back up plan to her.
I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don't think is as amazing as she. I don't want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn't the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.
She still didn't think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn't answered.
I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.
It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can't trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.
The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn't end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.
I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn't let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.
That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.
I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn't full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don't get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!
It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don't get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.
For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren't supposed to talk about at a party.
Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.
T Video on Monday!
- Avery
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Changes in 2 weeks - 3rd shot
This is my T video update for the week. I had my third shot yesterday, so I have been on testosterone for two weeks and one day.
If you haven't watched my earlier videos I suggest you watch them too. You could always use a little more of your favorite Dreamboat in your life.
In this first video you will find: the changes I have noticed in the last two weeks,
how my parents are dealing with my transition,
how my acquaintances are dealing with my transition,
my camera being lame,
and me pouring out my heart out about how amazing my friends are.
This second video is about the changes I am most looking forward to, and what I plan on doing with them.
It just just a lil guy, and packed full of my random awkwardness. It cut off at the end, but I was just laughing at how funny I think I am - so it is for the best.
Thanks for watching the videos! Keep the feedback coming! I appreciate all of it, especially when you compliment my manliness haha. I blame you guys if I develop an ego the same size as Kanye West's.
My next update will be a written blog, and it will be posted in a couple of days. I am super busy visiting with friends who are back in town for the holidays. A lot has happened, and more is to come, so I will have lots to write about.
My next T video will be up on Monday after my 4th shot!
Happy Holidays! Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Solstice!
Whatever you celebrate remember that a hug, and some quality time can mean a lot more than a microwave or clothes.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love, and beauty.
- Avery Eros Finley
If you haven't watched my earlier videos I suggest you watch them too. You could always use a little more of your favorite Dreamboat in your life.
In this first video you will find: the changes I have noticed in the last two weeks,
how my parents are dealing with my transition,
how my acquaintances are dealing with my transition,
my camera being lame,
and me pouring out my heart out about how amazing my friends are.
This second video is about the changes I am most looking forward to, and what I plan on doing with them.
It just just a lil guy, and packed full of my random awkwardness. It cut off at the end, but I was just laughing at how funny I think I am - so it is for the best.
Thanks for watching the videos! Keep the feedback coming! I appreciate all of it, especially when you compliment my manliness haha. I blame you guys if I develop an ego the same size as Kanye West's.
My next update will be a written blog, and it will be posted in a couple of days. I am super busy visiting with friends who are back in town for the holidays. A lot has happened, and more is to come, so I will have lots to write about.
My next T video will be up on Monday after my 4th shot!
Happy Holidays! Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Solstice!
Whatever you celebrate remember that a hug, and some quality time can mean a lot more than a microwave or clothes.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love, and beauty.
- Avery Eros Finley
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Rah Rah Ah Ah Ah Ah! Roma Roma Mama! Gaga Oh La La!
Right now, I love you forever.
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.
I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don't think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.
Love is the driving force in my life. Don't confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren't the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.
I really don't like the theory of 'two become one'. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don't think it is a healthy way to live. A person can't rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet's company so much.
I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.
Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.
I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.
The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn't it always?
Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn't know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex's, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.
So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.
I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia's for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.
I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.
I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.
As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don't care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! "Ugg" is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn't pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.
I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.
I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.
Next update due on Monday! T related video.
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.
I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don't think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.
Love is the driving force in my life. Don't confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren't the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.
I really don't like the theory of 'two become one'. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don't think it is a healthy way to live. A person can't rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet's company so much.
I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.
Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.
I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.
The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn't it always?
Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn't know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex's, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.
So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.
I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia's for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.
I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.
I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.
As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don't care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! "Ugg" is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn't pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.
I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.
I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.
Next update due on Monday! T related video.
Monday, December 14, 2009
2nd Shot - Week 1 Changes
So this update is mostly going to be all videos. In future updates about T the videos won't be as long, because I'm not going to tape the shot each time. Watch both, they are all interesting. I think so anyways, and I make the rules for this blog haha.
Okay! So the videos in this post consist of:
The injecting of my second shot. Ow. Be prepared for lots of swearing.
Changes in the first week/ramblings about the changes that are to come.
If you guys have any suggestions, comments, ideas or anything at all. Let me know, I love to hear from you.
- Peace
Finley
Okay! So the videos in this post consist of:
The injecting of my second shot. Ow. Be prepared for lots of swearing.
Changes in the first week/ramblings about the changes that are to come.
If you guys have any suggestions, comments, ideas or anything at all. Let me know, I love to hear from you.
- Peace
Finley
Thursday, December 10, 2009
First Shot of T!
On Monday, December 7 around 3:oopm I had my first shot of testosterone.
Everything fell into place so well that day. I was excited and nervous, but I was also trying to prepare myself in case I was to hit some barriers and not get prescribed testosterone.
Earlier in the week I had to get a bunch of blood work done for this appointment with my Endocrinologist. The majority of the boxes on the purple blood work sheet were checked off.
They look five vials of blood, and I got to pee in a cup. Yippie! Peeing in a cup is not easy, and it is made much harder when you haven't had anything to drink for 13 hours.
If the doctor found anything wrong in this blood work, he wouldn't prescribe me T. I was really worried about that happening.
I was so worried about things going wrong on Monday that I had a nightmare about it.
I was up at Waskesiu lake with some friends. I wasn't in a clinic, I was in a log cabin filled with people I didn't know. I only knew one person in the room, and that is one of my nurse friends. In the dream, he and his team took FIFTEEN vials of blood from my leg. After that he suddenly STABBED me in the ass with a giant turkey baster sized needle. It hurt so bad in the dream that I woke up clutching my side.
After that lovely start to the day I went about getting ready for the appointment. I took a few 'before' pictures, so I can keep track of my changes. I put some extra thought into what I was going to wear, after all it was the most important day of my life. I decided on my favourite Superman shirt.
If you know me at all, you know that I love Superman. It is safe to bet that if I am carrying a bag with me it has a Superman comic in it. There are many reasons as to why Superman is so important to me. Too many to list in this post, so I will write a separate one on it. What is important to know is that Superman's character is one that I look up to in my life. It was important for me to wear my Superman shirt on Monday, because as I would say later that day; "No longer [am I] going to be Lois Lane, but Superman . . . Or let’s be honest, Clark Kent."
My personal Superhero that day was my friend Sierra. (That is her actual name; not one made up for my blog, she already has one of those. Muhahaha. But in the videos from Monday you are going to see who she is, so using her code name would completely defeat the purpose of having a code name.) She is one of my closest friends. Without her, my life would have been much harder and filled with much less happiness. I truly am forever in debt to her. If she ever needs a kidney, she can count on one from me.
Sierra came with me to my appointment, and gave me my first shot. I was really nervous about the appointment. I had no idea what it was going to be like, so I am grateful to have had her at my side.
When I went to pick her up to come to the appointment, she gave me cupcakes from the new cupcake store! Yeah! Speciality Cupcakes! Favourite person ever!
My appointment was at the Royal University Hospital, which is more of a maze than a hospital. After wandering around lost for a while we finally found the right area.
We saw a giant bag of fluff along the away to my doctor’s office. < That is really not vital information, but it was a really random thing to see.
I got asked every question a doctor could ever ask, and than more. I got asked multiple times, in a very serious manner, if I had to pee. I did, because I was nervous, but I said no. They way they were asking was like it was the most vital piece of information they could get from me. After the FBI like question period I got to strip naked, and put on one of those fun hospital gowns.
Yippie.
After this appointment Sierra knows everything about me.
I really had no idea that the appointment was going to be that intense. It is amazing how an open backed hospital gown makes you feel. I suddenly got super senses, and noticed things in the room that made me worry. One of them being a giant tube of lube. I had a mini melt down thinking the doctor was going to give me a pap. The second thing I noticed was a chart of the levels of acne a person can get. The last level was horrific. I told Sierra if my acne got that bad that she had to shoot me.
During this freak out/awkward 'I'm naked for the first time around you' moment Sierra once again came to the rescue. Her random goofy commentary through the whole appointment kept me calm. Without her pointing out the nurses shiny shoes, telling stories about her first pap, and general witty comments, I would have felt terrified and alone.
Turns out I over reacted about the tube of lube. When the doctor came back into the room, he did a few minor tests. One of which crushed the tiny little bit of hope I had left that I was actually not female. He did this with two measurements and a calculator. Apparently my hip to waist ratio is that of a "female phenotype". Thanks Doc, for killing my dream of having hidden testies behind my uterus. I did however feel much more secure in his skill after he said phenotype, it is a very doctor-ish word.
He took my blood pressure, which I think must have been high because he asked a couple questions related to it after, then left. I have never had blood pressure problems, but I was super worried that there was a problem and I wouldn't be able to get my T.
I am guessing it was high because of how nervous I was, and because all I ate that day was a bowl of cereal and a cupcake.
Curse you, delicious red wine chocolate cupcake!
The hospital gown was total over kill on the doctors part. There was no need for me to strip completely naked for the tests he did. Leaving my gitch on would not have been a problem. I think he was mad with power.
My blood pleasure must have been okay, because he came back in and started talking about the different kinds of testosterone!
I successfully jumped through the last hoop!
I decided that I wanted to take my testosterone in the form of weekly 100mg injections. It is the best option for what I am looking for. It causes changes to happen at the quickest rate, and it is the cheapest. I am not afraid of needles, so doing a shot every week won't be too bad.
The other options of testosterone are in pill, patch or cream form. They are all more expensive and have more cons to them. The cream can transfer onto people that the wearer touches. Which is bad, because most women don't want to grow a moustache. The pill is harder on the liver than the other forms. The patch is more slow acting than the injections.
The doctor kind of explained how to do an injection, but he didn't explain well enough. His explanation it involved a drawing of a butt . . . Needless to say Sierra and I went home and watched Youtube videos for a better explanation. I wanted to get injected into the quad, because I thought Sierra had already seen enough of me for the day.
I am not impressed with that area of the appointment. He should have gone over step by step how to do an intramuscular injection. Neither one of us had ever given a needle before, and for him to let us figure out how to do it on our own is irresponsible.
After some hugging, happy dances, fist pumps, and ‘rawrs’ (squeals) of triumph we went to fill the prescription.
One of my best buds is Trans, and was just prescribed testosterone too. He had a lot of trouble finding a pharmacy that carried it. He had to go to four pharmacies before he found one that had it. This was one of the barriers I was worried about hitting. I went to the pharmacy that filled his prescription hoping they still had some left.
I lucked out! They had some!
I walked out 1 vial of testosterone, 10 needles, 100 alcohol swabs, and 1 tube of acne cream richer. Woop!
After watching Youtube videos and reading some directions on the internet, it was time for my first shot!
You can see a few things in this video:
1) Avery doesn't understand not to touch sterile things.
2) This is what happens when the doctor doesn't explain how to get medicine out of a vial. (I googled it, and now know for the next shot)
3) How awesome Sierra is.
4) How funny I am.
After we hugged it out my camera decided to run out of memory, and didn't capture the actual shot. Isn't that how it always happens? It is okay though, I got the best parts. I will video tape my next dose, and actually give you the money shot (penetration haha).
The shot didn't hurt at all! Not even a little bit uncomfortable. It went much smoother than the process of getting the T out of the vial did. It has been 3 days and I am still alive so even though the shot went a little shaky it didn't hurt me.
There you have it folks! That was my first shot of testosterone. I am now on my way to become more me.
Keep checking in, more updates are on the way. I have a new plan for updates -
Once a week I will post an update related to trans stuff. With each of these updates will be pictures and/or a video. That way the changes I've experienced will be visible. I like the idea of being able to flip through a virtual photo album and see my metamorphosis.
Also, with videos I can subject you more efficiently to my awkwardness, and charm.
I will also post weekly updates covering everything else this blog is about. My personal ramblings, rants, love, random adventures, and my Yoda like wisdom.
- With all the love in my superhero heart,
Avery Eros Finley
Everything fell into place so well that day. I was excited and nervous, but I was also trying to prepare myself in case I was to hit some barriers and not get prescribed testosterone.
Earlier in the week I had to get a bunch of blood work done for this appointment with my Endocrinologist. The majority of the boxes on the purple blood work sheet were checked off.
They look five vials of blood, and I got to pee in a cup. Yippie! Peeing in a cup is not easy, and it is made much harder when you haven't had anything to drink for 13 hours.
If the doctor found anything wrong in this blood work, he wouldn't prescribe me T. I was really worried about that happening.
I was so worried about things going wrong on Monday that I had a nightmare about it.
I was up at Waskesiu lake with some friends. I wasn't in a clinic, I was in a log cabin filled with people I didn't know. I only knew one person in the room, and that is one of my nurse friends. In the dream, he and his team took FIFTEEN vials of blood from my leg. After that he suddenly STABBED me in the ass with a giant turkey baster sized needle. It hurt so bad in the dream that I woke up clutching my side.
After that lovely start to the day I went about getting ready for the appointment. I took a few 'before' pictures, so I can keep track of my changes. I put some extra thought into what I was going to wear, after all it was the most important day of my life. I decided on my favourite Superman shirt.
If you know me at all, you know that I love Superman. It is safe to bet that if I am carrying a bag with me it has a Superman comic in it. There are many reasons as to why Superman is so important to me. Too many to list in this post, so I will write a separate one on it. What is important to know is that Superman's character is one that I look up to in my life. It was important for me to wear my Superman shirt on Monday, because as I would say later that day; "No longer [am I] going to be Lois Lane, but Superman . . . Or let’s be honest, Clark Kent."
My personal Superhero that day was my friend Sierra. (That is her actual name; not one made up for my blog, she already has one of those. Muhahaha. But in the videos from Monday you are going to see who she is, so using her code name would completely defeat the purpose of having a code name.) She is one of my closest friends. Without her, my life would have been much harder and filled with much less happiness. I truly am forever in debt to her. If she ever needs a kidney, she can count on one from me.
Sierra came with me to my appointment, and gave me my first shot. I was really nervous about the appointment. I had no idea what it was going to be like, so I am grateful to have had her at my side.
When I went to pick her up to come to the appointment, she gave me cupcakes from the new cupcake store! Yeah! Speciality Cupcakes! Favourite person ever!
My appointment was at the Royal University Hospital, which is more of a maze than a hospital. After wandering around lost for a while we finally found the right area.
We saw a giant bag of fluff along the away to my doctor’s office. < That is really not vital information, but it was a really random thing to see.
I got asked every question a doctor could ever ask, and than more. I got asked multiple times, in a very serious manner, if I had to pee. I did, because I was nervous, but I said no. They way they were asking was like it was the most vital piece of information they could get from me. After the FBI like question period I got to strip naked, and put on one of those fun hospital gowns.
Yippie.
After this appointment Sierra knows everything about me.
I really had no idea that the appointment was going to be that intense. It is amazing how an open backed hospital gown makes you feel. I suddenly got super senses, and noticed things in the room that made me worry. One of them being a giant tube of lube. I had a mini melt down thinking the doctor was going to give me a pap. The second thing I noticed was a chart of the levels of acne a person can get. The last level was horrific. I told Sierra if my acne got that bad that she had to shoot me.
During this freak out/awkward 'I'm naked for the first time around you' moment Sierra once again came to the rescue. Her random goofy commentary through the whole appointment kept me calm. Without her pointing out the nurses shiny shoes, telling stories about her first pap, and general witty comments, I would have felt terrified and alone.
Turns out I over reacted about the tube of lube. When the doctor came back into the room, he did a few minor tests. One of which crushed the tiny little bit of hope I had left that I was actually not female. He did this with two measurements and a calculator. Apparently my hip to waist ratio is that of a "female phenotype". Thanks Doc, for killing my dream of having hidden testies behind my uterus. I did however feel much more secure in his skill after he said phenotype, it is a very doctor-ish word.
He took my blood pressure, which I think must have been high because he asked a couple questions related to it after, then left. I have never had blood pressure problems, but I was super worried that there was a problem and I wouldn't be able to get my T.
I am guessing it was high because of how nervous I was, and because all I ate that day was a bowl of cereal and a cupcake.
Curse you, delicious red wine chocolate cupcake!
The hospital gown was total over kill on the doctors part. There was no need for me to strip completely naked for the tests he did. Leaving my gitch on would not have been a problem. I think he was mad with power.
My blood pleasure must have been okay, because he came back in and started talking about the different kinds of testosterone!
I successfully jumped through the last hoop!
I decided that I wanted to take my testosterone in the form of weekly 100mg injections. It is the best option for what I am looking for. It causes changes to happen at the quickest rate, and it is the cheapest. I am not afraid of needles, so doing a shot every week won't be too bad.
The other options of testosterone are in pill, patch or cream form. They are all more expensive and have more cons to them. The cream can transfer onto people that the wearer touches. Which is bad, because most women don't want to grow a moustache. The pill is harder on the liver than the other forms. The patch is more slow acting than the injections.
The doctor kind of explained how to do an injection, but he didn't explain well enough. His explanation it involved a drawing of a butt . . . Needless to say Sierra and I went home and watched Youtube videos for a better explanation. I wanted to get injected into the quad, because I thought Sierra had already seen enough of me for the day.
I am not impressed with that area of the appointment. He should have gone over step by step how to do an intramuscular injection. Neither one of us had ever given a needle before, and for him to let us figure out how to do it on our own is irresponsible.
After some hugging, happy dances, fist pumps, and ‘rawrs’ (squeals) of triumph we went to fill the prescription.
One of my best buds is Trans, and was just prescribed testosterone too. He had a lot of trouble finding a pharmacy that carried it. He had to go to four pharmacies before he found one that had it. This was one of the barriers I was worried about hitting. I went to the pharmacy that filled his prescription hoping they still had some left.
I lucked out! They had some!
I walked out 1 vial of testosterone, 10 needles, 100 alcohol swabs, and 1 tube of acne cream richer. Woop!
After watching Youtube videos and reading some directions on the internet, it was time for my first shot!
You can see a few things in this video:
1) Avery doesn't understand not to touch sterile things.
2) This is what happens when the doctor doesn't explain how to get medicine out of a vial. (I googled it, and now know for the next shot)
3) How awesome Sierra is.
4) How funny I am.
After we hugged it out my camera decided to run out of memory, and didn't capture the actual shot. Isn't that how it always happens? It is okay though, I got the best parts. I will video tape my next dose, and actually give you the money shot (penetration haha).
The shot didn't hurt at all! Not even a little bit uncomfortable. It went much smoother than the process of getting the T out of the vial did. It has been 3 days and I am still alive so even though the shot went a little shaky it didn't hurt me.
There you have it folks! That was my first shot of testosterone. I am now on my way to become more me.
Keep checking in, more updates are on the way. I have a new plan for updates -
Once a week I will post an update related to trans stuff. With each of these updates will be pictures and/or a video. That way the changes I've experienced will be visible. I like the idea of being able to flip through a virtual photo album and see my metamorphosis.
Also, with videos I can subject you more efficiently to my awkwardness, and charm.
I will also post weekly updates covering everything else this blog is about. My personal ramblings, rants, love, random adventures, and my Yoda like wisdom.
- With all the love in my superhero heart,
Avery Eros Finley
Friday, December 4, 2009
Silver Lining
This past Sunday is now the ideal that I will compare all future Sundays to. It is in the top 10 best days I have ever had. I was laying in my fort reading mylifeisaverage.com when I got a text from Juliet wanting to go for brunch, and not just any brunch, a Bessborough brunch. We looked like unshowered, hipster hoodlums; which we are, but the place was so classy it was noticeable! The food was oh so tasty. I had sushi, cheese, AND an omelette all in one meal.
After brunch I had a heavenly piece of vanilla cloud, otherwise known as a well-made London Fog. I planned on writing an essay, but ended up puttering around the internet. After the weekend I had a day full of happiness and magic was deserved.
I hung out at Hogwarts for a few hours before I went to Flint for Slam Poetry. Holy. It was beautiful! The place was packed, and for the first time ever all the spots for poets filled. It was three hours of magic. The poets cast spells on us with their words. My friend Sage lived up to her alter ego name. She was profound, and honest in her poems. Her skills have developed so quickly. I am in complete awe of her. All the poets were amazing, and the crowd was wicked. The crowd was reactive to the poems. There was lots of booing for bad judge calls, finger snapping for touching lines, and yells of agreement throughout the poems. I hope this is the beginning of how the slams are going to be from now on.
I hope all the happiness, and fun experienced this weekend are the start of something long term. Minus the breaking of my parent’s hearts, this was the best weekend I have had in a really long time. Thank you to everyone who was present, and made this weekend as full of love as it was.
It has finally snowed. I'm not thrilled about it. I keep having flashes of what it feels like to walk outside in -40 weather. Or that split second when your hand freezes to the door knob and you’re not sure if it will come off. I happen to extremely clumsy, and I tend to stumble a lot. This only increases as the sidewalks get icy. While walking anywhere in the city I constantly have the irrational fear that I will slip and fall tongue first onto one of the many chunky, rusty sculptures littered throughout our city.
I am not a complete Grinch about winter. I am excited to go ice skating, and sledding this year. My first date ever was ice skating on the rink beside the Bess; I was 17 haha. Ahh, a late bloomer. I am also really excited to have a warm drink and curl up by a window. Not only does it make me look like I am full of wise thoughts, but it is really relaxing. In celebration of school being done, and of me being a complete nerd I have found a bunch of recipes to make Butterbeer. Yup, from Harry Potter. I am way too excited about this and don’t know why I haven’t tried to make it before. The recipes are all very different. Some have apple cider, beer, milk, ice cream, soda or different kinds of butterscotch in them. I will try them all, and let you know which one is the winner.
My goal of making out on the 3rd floor of the library has yet to be fulfilled. The girl from this weekend just had a break up, so we actually studied on the 3rd floor. I have all of the next term for it to happen. I will continue my foot tapping under the cubicles in hopes that someone will pick up on it. I will make it happen!
R-R-R-Rant Time! I am writing this in the library on campus, and I am about to knock out a first year couple. They have been sitting across from me for about an hour, and have yet to stop touching. They are talking loudly, and they are not sharing the table! Their shit is slowly creeping across the table. I am left only with a tiny little corner. I feel like I am playing a game of risk and losing all my countries.
I am seriously about two seconds away from running at them full speed and breaking through their hand holding, Red Rover style. Seriously there is NO REASON to hold hands that long in public. What the fuck? Are you scared that if you let go of his hand he is going to run away?
Also, why are you holding hands like you are doing the handshake of Will and Jazz from Fresh Prince. Gross.
They are not the first couple I have seen to act like this. You can find these naive first year couples blocking the arts’ ramp; holding each other like they are Jack and Rose floating in the ocean.
I want to yell at them, and slap them in the face with reality.
"Hey Love Birds! Stop making out for a second. It looks like you are a Mama bird regurgitating into her mouth. Good, now that I have your attention.
GROW UP! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED!
No! It really is not going to happen. What is going to happen is gonna go something like this: The first evening you spend apart from each other he is going to go to a big boy party. Meet a slutty second year, and have the sex that you have been withholding from him last two years.
Oh Honey, don't cry. It will get better for you too. See after you drown yourself in a tub of ice cream, fail an exam, and get asked by your lab partner to start showering before class you will pick your sorry ass up, dress it in the tightest pair of pants your own, and march yourself to the campus café. This is wear you will meet a boy who won't remember your name or call you back. BUT he will give you forty bucks for a cab, and a plan B pill. Welcome to university life! Go get 'em Tiger, Rawr!"
The likelihood that a high school relationship will last in collage is about the same as someone saying that the red bumps on their junk are pimples, and they are actually pimples. Majority of the time high school relationships end, and the "pimples" are herpes.
Whew, I feel better now.
I had a mid term yesterday, one today, and one tomorrow. Than it is party time! This weekend is going to be a ton of fun. I have been listening to Lady Gaga remixes as my study music, and I am ready to actually dance to them.
My next update will be about my first shot of testosterone! There may be a video with it. I am thinking about adding a video portion to the blog. That way I will have a record of the changes I go through, and will be able to notice them week to week. I also plan on doing some picture video thing. I saw a video where a lady took a picture of her stomach every week throughout her pregnancy and than speed them up in a video. It was so cool, you could really see how quickly her body changed.
- Have a good weekend! I hope to see you!
Dreamboat
After brunch I had a heavenly piece of vanilla cloud, otherwise known as a well-made London Fog. I planned on writing an essay, but ended up puttering around the internet. After the weekend I had a day full of happiness and magic was deserved.
I hung out at Hogwarts for a few hours before I went to Flint for Slam Poetry. Holy. It was beautiful! The place was packed, and for the first time ever all the spots for poets filled. It was three hours of magic. The poets cast spells on us with their words. My friend Sage lived up to her alter ego name. She was profound, and honest in her poems. Her skills have developed so quickly. I am in complete awe of her. All the poets were amazing, and the crowd was wicked. The crowd was reactive to the poems. There was lots of booing for bad judge calls, finger snapping for touching lines, and yells of agreement throughout the poems. I hope this is the beginning of how the slams are going to be from now on.
I hope all the happiness, and fun experienced this weekend are the start of something long term. Minus the breaking of my parent’s hearts, this was the best weekend I have had in a really long time. Thank you to everyone who was present, and made this weekend as full of love as it was.
It has finally snowed. I'm not thrilled about it. I keep having flashes of what it feels like to walk outside in -40 weather. Or that split second when your hand freezes to the door knob and you’re not sure if it will come off. I happen to extremely clumsy, and I tend to stumble a lot. This only increases as the sidewalks get icy. While walking anywhere in the city I constantly have the irrational fear that I will slip and fall tongue first onto one of the many chunky, rusty sculptures littered throughout our city.
I am not a complete Grinch about winter. I am excited to go ice skating, and sledding this year. My first date ever was ice skating on the rink beside the Bess; I was 17 haha. Ahh, a late bloomer. I am also really excited to have a warm drink and curl up by a window. Not only does it make me look like I am full of wise thoughts, but it is really relaxing. In celebration of school being done, and of me being a complete nerd I have found a bunch of recipes to make Butterbeer. Yup, from Harry Potter. I am way too excited about this and don’t know why I haven’t tried to make it before. The recipes are all very different. Some have apple cider, beer, milk, ice cream, soda or different kinds of butterscotch in them. I will try them all, and let you know which one is the winner.
My goal of making out on the 3rd floor of the library has yet to be fulfilled. The girl from this weekend just had a break up, so we actually studied on the 3rd floor. I have all of the next term for it to happen. I will continue my foot tapping under the cubicles in hopes that someone will pick up on it. I will make it happen!
R-R-R-Rant Time! I am writing this in the library on campus, and I am about to knock out a first year couple. They have been sitting across from me for about an hour, and have yet to stop touching. They are talking loudly, and they are not sharing the table! Their shit is slowly creeping across the table. I am left only with a tiny little corner. I feel like I am playing a game of risk and losing all my countries.
I am seriously about two seconds away from running at them full speed and breaking through their hand holding, Red Rover style. Seriously there is NO REASON to hold hands that long in public. What the fuck? Are you scared that if you let go of his hand he is going to run away?
Also, why are you holding hands like you are doing the handshake of Will and Jazz from Fresh Prince. Gross.
They are not the first couple I have seen to act like this. You can find these naive first year couples blocking the arts’ ramp; holding each other like they are Jack and Rose floating in the ocean.
I want to yell at them, and slap them in the face with reality.
"Hey Love Birds! Stop making out for a second. It looks like you are a Mama bird regurgitating into her mouth. Good, now that I have your attention.
GROW UP! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED!
No! It really is not going to happen. What is going to happen is gonna go something like this: The first evening you spend apart from each other he is going to go to a big boy party. Meet a slutty second year, and have the sex that you have been withholding from him last two years.
Oh Honey, don't cry. It will get better for you too. See after you drown yourself in a tub of ice cream, fail an exam, and get asked by your lab partner to start showering before class you will pick your sorry ass up, dress it in the tightest pair of pants your own, and march yourself to the campus café. This is wear you will meet a boy who won't remember your name or call you back. BUT he will give you forty bucks for a cab, and a plan B pill. Welcome to university life! Go get 'em Tiger, Rawr!"
The likelihood that a high school relationship will last in collage is about the same as someone saying that the red bumps on their junk are pimples, and they are actually pimples. Majority of the time high school relationships end, and the "pimples" are herpes.
Whew, I feel better now.
I had a mid term yesterday, one today, and one tomorrow. Than it is party time! This weekend is going to be a ton of fun. I have been listening to Lady Gaga remixes as my study music, and I am ready to actually dance to them.
My next update will be about my first shot of testosterone! There may be a video with it. I am thinking about adding a video portion to the blog. That way I will have a record of the changes I go through, and will be able to notice them week to week. I also plan on doing some picture video thing. I saw a video where a lady took a picture of her stomach every week throughout her pregnancy and than speed them up in a video. It was so cool, you could really see how quickly her body changed.
- Have a good weekend! I hope to see you!
Dreamboat
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Coming Out to my Parents
I did this entry over a period of a few days. I told my parents I am trans on Saturday, and am writing this now Wednesday night. I decided to keep this time line structure, because I think it shows the range of feelings that were felt.
Saturday - Morning
Ugh. I am going to vomit. I am in the mist of telling my parents. I left the letter for them, and than scamped away to my Fortress of Solitude. I am so nervous. Right now in this moment I feel like I am completely crushing someone's world.
Oh, and I discovered that when I am nervous I get uncontrollable hick ups. This information can be added to the list of reasons why I may be the worst person to run to for help in a zombie attack. The other reasons on the list are that when I am scared I scream, kick, and than vomit. When everyone who got an H1N1 vaccination turns into a zombie the only way I will survive is because of my extensive practice in killing zombies on video games. Even than, I scream like a little sissy.
Apparently I ramble when I am out of my mind nervous, charming. I knew I did that around people who get my heart beating faster, but it seems to apply to all areas where nerves come into play.
Saturday - Evening
Okay, so this is a few hours later. I am at home now, and my parents read the letter. I was right to feel like I was crushing someone's world. I did. I totally killed my parent’s child. I killed the blue eyed, blonde haired, cute daughter they always had.
My mom is scared for my physical health, but more so for my psychological well being. She is scared that I am going to change my mind done the line when it is too late. Or end up alone forever. That is her biggest worry, and to be honest it is mine too. It is so hard for regular people to find love in this world, how the fuck am I going to do it? I understand why that is her biggest worry. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have had the same person to walk beside them in life. They know how amazing and important that is. She is worried I won’t get to experience that.
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I disappointed them beyond all reason. It hurt so bad to see my Mom try so hard to be strong for me, but break down over the little blue eyed girl she loved so much.
You know how it feels to have your parents mad and angry at you? It is really hard. But on that rare occasion when we do something that doesn't make them angry, we do something that disappoints them and makes them sad. How that is so much worse, because we know we let them down. That is how this feels. I wish my parents had gotten angry and yelled. It is much harder to see the mourning in their eyes.
Wednesday - Night
I am beyond proud of my parents. My mom is trying so hard, and I can tell she is. I left the letter for my parents on Saturday morning, and disappeared so they could have time to digest it. I didn't want to be around for their initial reactions. When I came back later that night, my mom came down and talked to me. She sat on my bed, and just looked at me. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and I could tell she was exhausted. She said "This is really heavy . . . this is a lot." But the next words out of her mouth were supportive, and she hugged me (which is rare in my family). She said she doesn't really understand it, but she understands that I need to do this. She wants me to be happy, and healthy. She was really impressed about the way I had gone about this: talking to a therapist for almost a year, extensive research, just generally taking my time with it.
She wasn't crying to start. I could tell she wanted to, but that she was trying to be strong. But when she said "I understand that you have to do this, but I don't think I can ever call you Avery or he . . . " She started to break down, "You will always be my little blonde haired, blued eyed girl." This is when she really started to cry. This is when I knew I stole her little girl from her forever.
She is trying so hard to wrap her head around it. She said she has watched lots of talk shows on it. She knows what it is. She knows that I am not going to change. The person I have been my whole life is not going to change. Just the shell is. She kept repeating it, I think mostly to remind herself more than me.
My mom is a nurse. So the medical aspect of what is going to happen concerns her a great deal. She is worried that I am going to get sick, or hurt from this. I did my best to explain that it is safe, but that at some point I may need surgery due to the hormones.
Like I said earlier, she is most concerned with the mental aspect of all this. She thinks I am too young to make this decision. She is worried that I will start hormones, and than in a few years regret what I've done. I explained to her that I have thought about this every day of my life. That I have talked to my therapist for a long time, and my friends about it even longer. I need to do this now, because it is too hard to keep going the way I am. I have done the best I can as I am, it is time that I get to live as the person I want to be.
She is worried that I won't find love. She is concerned about me dating, when am I going to tell the person about it? I told her that I am really aware that it is going to be hard for me to find love. But that in order for anyone to love me I need to love myself first, and this is how I am going to be able to love myself. I would rather be alone and happy with myself, than with someone and lying. I explained that I have trans friends who are dating, and married; they were able to find someone. It is possible for me. When I love someone, I love their soul. I just need to find someone who can do the same.
She tried to warn me that some people may not understand this, or accept it. I told her I knew that, and I had already lost some friends because of it. She was really sad about that, but said that it is their loss. If they can't see that I am a good person, than they weren't worth it.
I haven't really cried around my mom in a long time, and she has never really cried around me ever. But after we finished she hugged me and broke down, and I did the same. I was crying because I knew I hurt her so bad. I am not sure why she was crying . . . maybe for the loss she was feeling, or maybe because of her concerns for me.
Since we talked, my mom keeps coming downstairs to my room and peeking around the corner into my room. I'm not sure if she wants to talk to me, but chickens out. Or it she is checking to make sure I haven't killed myself. She talked about being really worried that I would do something like that. I had to convince her I wasn't going to. She is right to worry about it though: 31% of trans people kill themselves, and more than 50% attempt it by the age 20. I kinda went through that a couple years ago, I was really depressed. But I'm okay now. I am know I am a good person, that there are people who understand me, and that soon I am going to be happier with how I look.
My Dad and I haven't talked about it, and we won't. I know he read the letter. I asked my mom how he felt. She said that he isn't mad, he understands that they can't do anything about it. He didn't look at me for a couple days . . . which really hurt. I was kind of expecting it though, he did the same thing when he found out I liked girls. But now we are talking like nothing happened, about small unimportant things. I wish he would say something to me, but I just don't think he has the words. My family is not vocal about feelings. We rarely, almost never, say that we love each other. So I think that is part of it. I want him to be proud of me though, so I wish he would talk to me.
I think they will come along with time. It took them a really long time to get a little bit more comfortable about me liking girls. But they improved over time, hopefully the same will happen with this. I think once they see the changes happening they will realize that they aren't going to be able to ignore this. Hopefully they will see me grow into who I am, and realize they are not losing a child but finally getting to see the one they've always had.
- Avery Eros Finley
A happy post will be posted in the next couple days.
Next week there will be a post about how awesome this weekend is going to be. School break!!!!
There will also be one or two about getting my T on Monday!
Saturday - Morning
Ugh. I am going to vomit. I am in the mist of telling my parents. I left the letter for them, and than scamped away to my Fortress of Solitude. I am so nervous. Right now in this moment I feel like I am completely crushing someone's world.
Oh, and I discovered that when I am nervous I get uncontrollable hick ups. This information can be added to the list of reasons why I may be the worst person to run to for help in a zombie attack. The other reasons on the list are that when I am scared I scream, kick, and than vomit. When everyone who got an H1N1 vaccination turns into a zombie the only way I will survive is because of my extensive practice in killing zombies on video games. Even than, I scream like a little sissy.
Apparently I ramble when I am out of my mind nervous, charming. I knew I did that around people who get my heart beating faster, but it seems to apply to all areas where nerves come into play.
Saturday - Evening
Okay, so this is a few hours later. I am at home now, and my parents read the letter. I was right to feel like I was crushing someone's world. I did. I totally killed my parent’s child. I killed the blue eyed, blonde haired, cute daughter they always had.
My mom is scared for my physical health, but more so for my psychological well being. She is scared that I am going to change my mind done the line when it is too late. Or end up alone forever. That is her biggest worry, and to be honest it is mine too. It is so hard for regular people to find love in this world, how the fuck am I going to do it? I understand why that is her biggest worry. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have had the same person to walk beside them in life. They know how amazing and important that is. She is worried I won’t get to experience that.
Ugh, I feel so horrible. I disappointed them beyond all reason. It hurt so bad to see my Mom try so hard to be strong for me, but break down over the little blue eyed girl she loved so much.
You know how it feels to have your parents mad and angry at you? It is really hard. But on that rare occasion when we do something that doesn't make them angry, we do something that disappoints them and makes them sad. How that is so much worse, because we know we let them down. That is how this feels. I wish my parents had gotten angry and yelled. It is much harder to see the mourning in their eyes.
Wednesday - Night
I am beyond proud of my parents. My mom is trying so hard, and I can tell she is. I left the letter for my parents on Saturday morning, and disappeared so they could have time to digest it. I didn't want to be around for their initial reactions. When I came back later that night, my mom came down and talked to me. She sat on my bed, and just looked at me. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and I could tell she was exhausted. She said "This is really heavy . . . this is a lot." But the next words out of her mouth were supportive, and she hugged me (which is rare in my family). She said she doesn't really understand it, but she understands that I need to do this. She wants me to be happy, and healthy. She was really impressed about the way I had gone about this: talking to a therapist for almost a year, extensive research, just generally taking my time with it.
She wasn't crying to start. I could tell she wanted to, but that she was trying to be strong. But when she said "I understand that you have to do this, but I don't think I can ever call you Avery or he . . . " She started to break down, "You will always be my little blonde haired, blued eyed girl." This is when she really started to cry. This is when I knew I stole her little girl from her forever.
She is trying so hard to wrap her head around it. She said she has watched lots of talk shows on it. She knows what it is. She knows that I am not going to change. The person I have been my whole life is not going to change. Just the shell is. She kept repeating it, I think mostly to remind herself more than me.
My mom is a nurse. So the medical aspect of what is going to happen concerns her a great deal. She is worried that I am going to get sick, or hurt from this. I did my best to explain that it is safe, but that at some point I may need surgery due to the hormones.
Like I said earlier, she is most concerned with the mental aspect of all this. She thinks I am too young to make this decision. She is worried that I will start hormones, and than in a few years regret what I've done. I explained to her that I have thought about this every day of my life. That I have talked to my therapist for a long time, and my friends about it even longer. I need to do this now, because it is too hard to keep going the way I am. I have done the best I can as I am, it is time that I get to live as the person I want to be.
She is worried that I won't find love. She is concerned about me dating, when am I going to tell the person about it? I told her that I am really aware that it is going to be hard for me to find love. But that in order for anyone to love me I need to love myself first, and this is how I am going to be able to love myself. I would rather be alone and happy with myself, than with someone and lying. I explained that I have trans friends who are dating, and married; they were able to find someone. It is possible for me. When I love someone, I love their soul. I just need to find someone who can do the same.
She tried to warn me that some people may not understand this, or accept it. I told her I knew that, and I had already lost some friends because of it. She was really sad about that, but said that it is their loss. If they can't see that I am a good person, than they weren't worth it.
I haven't really cried around my mom in a long time, and she has never really cried around me ever. But after we finished she hugged me and broke down, and I did the same. I was crying because I knew I hurt her so bad. I am not sure why she was crying . . . maybe for the loss she was feeling, or maybe because of her concerns for me.
Since we talked, my mom keeps coming downstairs to my room and peeking around the corner into my room. I'm not sure if she wants to talk to me, but chickens out. Or it she is checking to make sure I haven't killed myself. She talked about being really worried that I would do something like that. I had to convince her I wasn't going to. She is right to worry about it though: 31% of trans people kill themselves, and more than 50% attempt it by the age 20. I kinda went through that a couple years ago, I was really depressed. But I'm okay now. I am know I am a good person, that there are people who understand me, and that soon I am going to be happier with how I look.
My Dad and I haven't talked about it, and we won't. I know he read the letter. I asked my mom how he felt. She said that he isn't mad, he understands that they can't do anything about it. He didn't look at me for a couple days . . . which really hurt. I was kind of expecting it though, he did the same thing when he found out I liked girls. But now we are talking like nothing happened, about small unimportant things. I wish he would say something to me, but I just don't think he has the words. My family is not vocal about feelings. We rarely, almost never, say that we love each other. So I think that is part of it. I want him to be proud of me though, so I wish he would talk to me.
I think they will come along with time. It took them a really long time to get a little bit more comfortable about me liking girls. But they improved over time, hopefully the same will happen with this. I think once they see the changes happening they will realize that they aren't going to be able to ignore this. Hopefully they will see me grow into who I am, and realize they are not losing a child but finally getting to see the one they've always had.
- Avery Eros Finley
A happy post will be posted in the next couple days.
Next week there will be a post about how awesome this weekend is going to be. School break!!!!
There will also be one or two about getting my T on Monday!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Accio Reader!
I am asking for you, my readers, to use your imagination while reading this post. I'll give you a few seconds to find it. Look under the pile of bills, or the stack of homework you should be doing right now. Dust it off, make sure there are no chunky adult responsibility bits stuck to it. Now use it. It's like riding a bike, you'll remember how to do it. Think of sparkly unicorns, little periwinkle fairies, gargantuan blood red and gold dragons. My favourite things to think about are green and purple poke-a-dot long neck dinosaurs with ninjas and Superman riding them. And cupcakes. Didn't you know that dino's favourite snacks are cupcakes with sprinkles.
It is so easy to get tangled up, and weighed down by the many responsibilities of our lives. We get so wrapped up in the routines of our lives that are not making us happy. Take a break! A healthy one! We struggled through the work week toward the glowing golden light of a crisp beer at the end of the tunnel. We get loser drunk, wake up cuddling a garden gnome, and only feel worse about the place our lives are in. Why not try something different? I am not saying that waking up with a garden gnome is always bad, but maybe switch it up sometime. This is where your imagination comes in. You don't have to wait for the weekend to use it. You can whip it out anytime. Your dignity will remain intact, and you won't have to write any apology letters.
I am writing this update from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Practice using your imagination now. You aren't reading this on your computer. A few moments ago a spotted brown barn owl dropped a roll of thick and heavy yellow parchment into your lap.
See, so much fun. Really though, I am writing this from Hogwarts. Yesterday night instead of going out partying I built a massive fort, and made a sign for it saying that it was Hogwarts. I am completely happy with my decision. I actually make forts often; I never grew out of it. Everything seems so much more fun if it is happening inside of a fort.
I challenge all of you to make a fort sometime this week, a good one with lots of sheets and chairs. Than tell me about it, post a reply on this update. I triple dog dare you to. Whoa, yeah. I went there.
Random fact about Avery: I was completely devastated when I turned 11, and didn't get an acceptance letter from Hogwarts. It would STILL make my life if I received a Hogwarts acceptance letter in the mail.
Now it is time for your favourite part of my updates, you nosey little gossips, an update on my romantic life. I mentioned a cute girl and a girl who Facebook stalked me a couple posts back. I need to update more often because both of those situations have already come to an end. They actually ended on the same night, Halloween. It is ironic that I was dressed as Romeo because I left a trail of angry women that night.
I'll first tell you about the cute girl. She is wicked, pretty much everything I look for in a person. She is a musician and painter, fantastic looking, great sense of fashion, and a really decent kisser ;) haha. But for some reason I just couldn't develop any romantic feelings toward her. I am not sure why that is. Despite having a lot in common, we just didn't click. I think I have mentioned before on here, but I experience moments where I instantly FEEL a connection with someone. I'm sure it sounds like hippy talk but when this happens it is like our souls connect or touch in a way that goes deeper than with most people I encounter. When I feel that jolt I know I need to take extra care to develop the relationship with that person. It rarely happens to me, but it is so powerful it is something I wait for to let me know that a person is someone to direct my heart too. It could have also been because my attention was focussed on someone else, Juliet. I tried to give it a fair chance, we went out on a few dates and talked a bit. But I was comparing her to someone she couldn't win against, even though she was probably better for me.
So Halloween night I am dressed up as Romeo; I even memorized a fair bit of the play. I went to Diva's for the Halloween competition, which was amazing! My friends are incredible; they put together some awesome costumes. It was filled to capacity that night; wall to wall people in bulky costumes. It was wicked hot, and everyone was loser drunk; so I wasn't in a great mood. This is when the cute girl shows up at the bar and starts talking to me, which is fine. I am happy to see her. While we are yelling a conversation at each other over the music, friends of mine keep coming up to me to talk. Not wanting to be rude by ignoring them, I talk with them. When the friend would leave, I would turn back to the cute girl and continue talking with her. I could tell she was feeling upset, maybe because she felt ignored or something. I think I did the right thing, I am not going to blatantly ignore a friend who comes to talk. At some point another friend came up to me to talk, and when I turned back around she was gone. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but I am not sure what she was expecting that night. A bar on Halloween is no the place to have heart felt conversations, or really any conversation at all.
I didn't try to find her that night and fix things. To be honest, I never called or got into contact with her, which is probably not the nicest thing to do. But I didn't see the point since I had made my decision to not go on any more dates with her. I had figured out that I just didn't feel it with her, so contacting her and getting together would have just lead her on.
This plan worked out fantastically well until I walked into a party last week and she was there. Awkward. Awkward as hell. Once I got up the courage I went to talk to her. It was awkward; we kinda tip toed around what happened without really talking about it. But after the party we talked to each other again and worked everything out. We were honest about everything, and she didn't seem hurt at all. In fact she is going on dates with someone new, so it all worked out well for her.
Okay, back to Halloween night. I already have one angry girl at me in the bar, when my stalker shows up. She wasn't actually a stalker . . . she just showed up at all the places I was.
Back story to this situation, pay attention because this is everything not to do if you ever want my attention. She approached me in the hallway at school to introduced herself and made small talk. A couple hours later she sent me a really long Facebook message saying nothing but how cute she thought I was. I ignored it. Don't get me wrong, I love when people compliment me. But if the only thing you tell me about yourself is how much you like me, I don't know anything about you. Kissing my ass is not going to get my attention, tell me your thoughts on something else, anything else! Let me know you have a brain, and a wicked sense of humour.
So the next day I am at my Fortress of Solitude, my favourite café, and she shows up. The Fortress of Solitude is my second home; almost all of my happy memories from the last three years are somehow connected to it. If I feel threatened that my happy place could be made an awkward place to attend I act in a way similar to the way a mother bear reacts to a person who is in between her and her cubs. Do not mess with my Fortress of Solitude.
I am there working really hard on an essay, when this girl sits down at the table beside mine. She starts up a conversation and not wanting it to be even more weird than it already is, because I ignored her message, I go along with it. After the small talk I get back to writing my essay when she throws a fucking paper air plane at me! Yeah. Not only that, but she has written another message telling me how cute I was on it. Awesome. She stays there for about two hours, before she leaves. I go to Diva's that night and guess who is there. Yay. So I spent the whole night avoiding her. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone in a club that small? It takes incredible skill, and completely ruins any chance at having a good time. Throughout the night I was approached by a few people asking me if I was dating anyone. I didn't think anything of it until later in the night when a friend came over and asked if "I liked that loud and obnoxious blonde over there.” Sigh. Ah, I remember when I asked Lindsay to ask Ian to ask Stacey if Ashley liked me; I was in grade two. Seriously, why not just pass a note through the club that says "Do you like me? Yes, no, maybe. Check one". Time to act like grown ups.
Halloween night she shows up at the bar, and while I was on the dance floor a friend of mine grabbed me and danced me off in another direction. I figured he just wanted to dance. Nope. I had been lead into a trap. He danced me over against the wall, and guess who was standing there. Surprise! It seemed like she told every person in the bar that she liked me, and wrangled them into getting my attention for her. So in the most non graceful way possible I literally danced out of that situation. But not before I told the friend that danced me into that situation that I am not interested in that girl at all. I haven't heard from her since than, but we have a couple classes near each other so I see her daily and it is kinda weird.
I'm quite sure I have been securely placed in the friend zone with Juliet. Which sucks, but she is a really, really fantastic person and I am extremely happy to have her as a close friend. Now I just need to stop lusting after her and it will be cool haha.
I may or may not have had a date last week. I'm not exactly sure what it was, we went to supper than watched a couple movies. I hope it was a date, they are a super interesting. I'll keep you up to date with that one.
I had the best night out in a really long time on Friday. I went to Lydia's to watch Kinnie Starr, and The Fugitives. When you are done reading this post, google them both. They are amazing! Kinnie Starr played a few tender songs, than she got up and laid down some slam poetry! SLAM POETRY. A few were call and response, and the audience got into it. One was about oral sex, of course everyone got into lol. The Fugitives sound a bit like the band Mother Mother, who if you haven't heard them are fantastic. They were basically slam poetry set to music. Unlike anything I've every heard, they completely blew my mind.
What was even better than the music was the crowd, most of my favourite lesbians and people in the city where there. It was a nice change to see everyone outside of Diva's. I had some crazy experiences that night. The feeling of the night can really be summarized by a conversation I had with my friend Gaze about pubic hair. I don't remember how we got talking about this subject, but I'm glad we did.
*Spoiler Alert . . . Sort of. Intimate Details about to be discussed*
I admitted to wanting to shave my pubes into the Harry Potter lightening bolt. Yup. Try not thinking about that next time you see me HA. She said that she wanted to shave a mistletoe, and than dye it the proper colours. We than discussed everything that would go with that. People would have to kiss while under neither it.
That night I was handed two handfuls of condoms by a lady dressed up as Wonder Woman or Super Girl, I don't remember. But I can say that was the first time I have ever experienced that.
I can't even begin to explain the amount of sexual tension that filled Lydia's that night. It was like a game of musical chairs was being played. While the music was playing everyone pranced around the dance floor and when the song stopped you flirted with the person you ended up beside. Everyone had a good time, and it didn't end in drama. If anyone was declared the winner of that game of music chairs, it would have been me. The band introduced a song by saying that for the length of the song the audience was supposed to make out with the person that they didn't think they stood a chance with. Zing (I mentioned her in some previous posts) and I had spent a fair bit of the night standing beside each other when the musical chair songs stopped, but instead of flirting with each other as we had been throughout the night we decided to take what the band said to heart and find someone to make out with. I went and found an incredibly captivating lady friend, and charmed her. She and I have a little bit of a history, while I was in high school I had a total crush on her. The one and only time I ended up in her bed (to cuddle!) I over slept and was late for my physics final. It was totally worth it though haha. So I went up to her, and turned on my flirting skills. I asked if she had heard what the band said while introducing the song, she hadn't so I repeated it to her. She said she would, but that she was here with someone. To which I replied, "so we should go around the corner?" and started walking toward it. She followed laughing, but said she couldn't tonight. But that I should text her on Monday, so that we can make out in the library. WIN! It has been a goal of mine since starting school to have library make outs. I'll let you know if it actually happens, actually I may not need to. If you feel the Earth tremble a bit on Monday afternoon that is me doing a happy dance.
Tonight I am going to slam poetry at Flint, a lot of the same people who were at Lyd's on Friday will be out tonight. I am hoping that we can make tonight as epic as that night was.
I promised you all a rant about sweats, prepare yourself for it. I hate sweats with a passion. I don't own a single pair. If I did, I would not wear them outside of the house. Ever. If the house was burning down and I was wearing sweats I would change out of them before running out of the building. It is not okay to wear sweats out in public. Apparently the majority of people attending University were never told this. I see so many people at school wearing the most ridiculous outfits. I have seen a girl wearing grey stained sweats, tucked into COWBOY BOOTS! What?! Excuse me, but I am not paying thousands of dollars to be visually assaulted like that. You know you are on a Saskatchewan campus when. Way to go Ag students, working hard to keep everyone believing Saskatchewan is full of hicks. I also have seen many students wearing sweats with a fancy club shirt. Uh . . . that doesn't work. Maybe they think they can balance out their outfit by wearing the two extremes. My disgust applies to guys who wear sweats as well. Just don't do it. If I have to see your junk jiggling around while I am trying to think about what the soul is, you are going to find out what happens to the soul after death. If I don't see your junk while you are wearing sweats, I am judging you. I assume you have a tiny man bit. So you see it is a lose-lose situation.
This is really long, hopefully you didn't get bored halfway through. I will update again soon. I told my parents, so I will let you know how that is going. I actually will update more often, lots of people have told me they read this so I have motivation to keep writing. They love me! They really love me!
- Avery Eros Finley (House of Gryffindor)
It is so easy to get tangled up, and weighed down by the many responsibilities of our lives. We get so wrapped up in the routines of our lives that are not making us happy. Take a break! A healthy one! We struggled through the work week toward the glowing golden light of a crisp beer at the end of the tunnel. We get loser drunk, wake up cuddling a garden gnome, and only feel worse about the place our lives are in. Why not try something different? I am not saying that waking up with a garden gnome is always bad, but maybe switch it up sometime. This is where your imagination comes in. You don't have to wait for the weekend to use it. You can whip it out anytime. Your dignity will remain intact, and you won't have to write any apology letters.
I am writing this update from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Practice using your imagination now. You aren't reading this on your computer. A few moments ago a spotted brown barn owl dropped a roll of thick and heavy yellow parchment into your lap.
See, so much fun. Really though, I am writing this from Hogwarts. Yesterday night instead of going out partying I built a massive fort, and made a sign for it saying that it was Hogwarts. I am completely happy with my decision. I actually make forts often; I never grew out of it. Everything seems so much more fun if it is happening inside of a fort.
I challenge all of you to make a fort sometime this week, a good one with lots of sheets and chairs. Than tell me about it, post a reply on this update. I triple dog dare you to. Whoa, yeah. I went there.
Random fact about Avery: I was completely devastated when I turned 11, and didn't get an acceptance letter from Hogwarts. It would STILL make my life if I received a Hogwarts acceptance letter in the mail.
Now it is time for your favourite part of my updates, you nosey little gossips, an update on my romantic life. I mentioned a cute girl and a girl who Facebook stalked me a couple posts back. I need to update more often because both of those situations have already come to an end. They actually ended on the same night, Halloween. It is ironic that I was dressed as Romeo because I left a trail of angry women that night.
I'll first tell you about the cute girl. She is wicked, pretty much everything I look for in a person. She is a musician and painter, fantastic looking, great sense of fashion, and a really decent kisser ;) haha. But for some reason I just couldn't develop any romantic feelings toward her. I am not sure why that is. Despite having a lot in common, we just didn't click. I think I have mentioned before on here, but I experience moments where I instantly FEEL a connection with someone. I'm sure it sounds like hippy talk but when this happens it is like our souls connect or touch in a way that goes deeper than with most people I encounter. When I feel that jolt I know I need to take extra care to develop the relationship with that person. It rarely happens to me, but it is so powerful it is something I wait for to let me know that a person is someone to direct my heart too. It could have also been because my attention was focussed on someone else, Juliet. I tried to give it a fair chance, we went out on a few dates and talked a bit. But I was comparing her to someone she couldn't win against, even though she was probably better for me.
So Halloween night I am dressed up as Romeo; I even memorized a fair bit of the play. I went to Diva's for the Halloween competition, which was amazing! My friends are incredible; they put together some awesome costumes. It was filled to capacity that night; wall to wall people in bulky costumes. It was wicked hot, and everyone was loser drunk; so I wasn't in a great mood. This is when the cute girl shows up at the bar and starts talking to me, which is fine. I am happy to see her. While we are yelling a conversation at each other over the music, friends of mine keep coming up to me to talk. Not wanting to be rude by ignoring them, I talk with them. When the friend would leave, I would turn back to the cute girl and continue talking with her. I could tell she was feeling upset, maybe because she felt ignored or something. I think I did the right thing, I am not going to blatantly ignore a friend who comes to talk. At some point another friend came up to me to talk, and when I turned back around she was gone. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but I am not sure what she was expecting that night. A bar on Halloween is no the place to have heart felt conversations, or really any conversation at all.
I didn't try to find her that night and fix things. To be honest, I never called or got into contact with her, which is probably not the nicest thing to do. But I didn't see the point since I had made my decision to not go on any more dates with her. I had figured out that I just didn't feel it with her, so contacting her and getting together would have just lead her on.
This plan worked out fantastically well until I walked into a party last week and she was there. Awkward. Awkward as hell. Once I got up the courage I went to talk to her. It was awkward; we kinda tip toed around what happened without really talking about it. But after the party we talked to each other again and worked everything out. We were honest about everything, and she didn't seem hurt at all. In fact she is going on dates with someone new, so it all worked out well for her.
Okay, back to Halloween night. I already have one angry girl at me in the bar, when my stalker shows up. She wasn't actually a stalker . . . she just showed up at all the places I was.
Back story to this situation, pay attention because this is everything not to do if you ever want my attention. She approached me in the hallway at school to introduced herself and made small talk. A couple hours later she sent me a really long Facebook message saying nothing but how cute she thought I was. I ignored it. Don't get me wrong, I love when people compliment me. But if the only thing you tell me about yourself is how much you like me, I don't know anything about you. Kissing my ass is not going to get my attention, tell me your thoughts on something else, anything else! Let me know you have a brain, and a wicked sense of humour.
So the next day I am at my Fortress of Solitude, my favourite café, and she shows up. The Fortress of Solitude is my second home; almost all of my happy memories from the last three years are somehow connected to it. If I feel threatened that my happy place could be made an awkward place to attend I act in a way similar to the way a mother bear reacts to a person who is in between her and her cubs. Do not mess with my Fortress of Solitude.
I am there working really hard on an essay, when this girl sits down at the table beside mine. She starts up a conversation and not wanting it to be even more weird than it already is, because I ignored her message, I go along with it. After the small talk I get back to writing my essay when she throws a fucking paper air plane at me! Yeah. Not only that, but she has written another message telling me how cute I was on it. Awesome. She stays there for about two hours, before she leaves. I go to Diva's that night and guess who is there. Yay. So I spent the whole night avoiding her. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone in a club that small? It takes incredible skill, and completely ruins any chance at having a good time. Throughout the night I was approached by a few people asking me if I was dating anyone. I didn't think anything of it until later in the night when a friend came over and asked if "I liked that loud and obnoxious blonde over there.” Sigh. Ah, I remember when I asked Lindsay to ask Ian to ask Stacey if Ashley liked me; I was in grade two. Seriously, why not just pass a note through the club that says "Do you like me? Yes, no, maybe. Check one". Time to act like grown ups.
Halloween night she shows up at the bar, and while I was on the dance floor a friend of mine grabbed me and danced me off in another direction. I figured he just wanted to dance. Nope. I had been lead into a trap. He danced me over against the wall, and guess who was standing there. Surprise! It seemed like she told every person in the bar that she liked me, and wrangled them into getting my attention for her. So in the most non graceful way possible I literally danced out of that situation. But not before I told the friend that danced me into that situation that I am not interested in that girl at all. I haven't heard from her since than, but we have a couple classes near each other so I see her daily and it is kinda weird.
I'm quite sure I have been securely placed in the friend zone with Juliet. Which sucks, but she is a really, really fantastic person and I am extremely happy to have her as a close friend. Now I just need to stop lusting after her and it will be cool haha.
I may or may not have had a date last week. I'm not exactly sure what it was, we went to supper than watched a couple movies. I hope it was a date, they are a super interesting. I'll keep you up to date with that one.
I had the best night out in a really long time on Friday. I went to Lydia's to watch Kinnie Starr, and The Fugitives. When you are done reading this post, google them both. They are amazing! Kinnie Starr played a few tender songs, than she got up and laid down some slam poetry! SLAM POETRY. A few were call and response, and the audience got into it. One was about oral sex, of course everyone got into lol. The Fugitives sound a bit like the band Mother Mother, who if you haven't heard them are fantastic. They were basically slam poetry set to music. Unlike anything I've every heard, they completely blew my mind.
What was even better than the music was the crowd, most of my favourite lesbians and people in the city where there. It was a nice change to see everyone outside of Diva's. I had some crazy experiences that night. The feeling of the night can really be summarized by a conversation I had with my friend Gaze about pubic hair. I don't remember how we got talking about this subject, but I'm glad we did.
*Spoiler Alert . . . Sort of. Intimate Details about to be discussed*
I admitted to wanting to shave my pubes into the Harry Potter lightening bolt. Yup. Try not thinking about that next time you see me HA. She said that she wanted to shave a mistletoe, and than dye it the proper colours. We than discussed everything that would go with that. People would have to kiss while under neither it.
That night I was handed two handfuls of condoms by a lady dressed up as Wonder Woman or Super Girl, I don't remember. But I can say that was the first time I have ever experienced that.
I can't even begin to explain the amount of sexual tension that filled Lydia's that night. It was like a game of musical chairs was being played. While the music was playing everyone pranced around the dance floor and when the song stopped you flirted with the person you ended up beside. Everyone had a good time, and it didn't end in drama. If anyone was declared the winner of that game of music chairs, it would have been me. The band introduced a song by saying that for the length of the song the audience was supposed to make out with the person that they didn't think they stood a chance with. Zing (I mentioned her in some previous posts) and I had spent a fair bit of the night standing beside each other when the musical chair songs stopped, but instead of flirting with each other as we had been throughout the night we decided to take what the band said to heart and find someone to make out with. I went and found an incredibly captivating lady friend, and charmed her. She and I have a little bit of a history, while I was in high school I had a total crush on her. The one and only time I ended up in her bed (to cuddle!) I over slept and was late for my physics final. It was totally worth it though haha. So I went up to her, and turned on my flirting skills. I asked if she had heard what the band said while introducing the song, she hadn't so I repeated it to her. She said she would, but that she was here with someone. To which I replied, "so we should go around the corner?" and started walking toward it. She followed laughing, but said she couldn't tonight. But that I should text her on Monday, so that we can make out in the library. WIN! It has been a goal of mine since starting school to have library make outs. I'll let you know if it actually happens, actually I may not need to. If you feel the Earth tremble a bit on Monday afternoon that is me doing a happy dance.
Tonight I am going to slam poetry at Flint, a lot of the same people who were at Lyd's on Friday will be out tonight. I am hoping that we can make tonight as epic as that night was.
I promised you all a rant about sweats, prepare yourself for it. I hate sweats with a passion. I don't own a single pair. If I did, I would not wear them outside of the house. Ever. If the house was burning down and I was wearing sweats I would change out of them before running out of the building. It is not okay to wear sweats out in public. Apparently the majority of people attending University were never told this. I see so many people at school wearing the most ridiculous outfits. I have seen a girl wearing grey stained sweats, tucked into COWBOY BOOTS! What?! Excuse me, but I am not paying thousands of dollars to be visually assaulted like that. You know you are on a Saskatchewan campus when. Way to go Ag students, working hard to keep everyone believing Saskatchewan is full of hicks. I also have seen many students wearing sweats with a fancy club shirt. Uh . . . that doesn't work. Maybe they think they can balance out their outfit by wearing the two extremes. My disgust applies to guys who wear sweats as well. Just don't do it. If I have to see your junk jiggling around while I am trying to think about what the soul is, you are going to find out what happens to the soul after death. If I don't see your junk while you are wearing sweats, I am judging you. I assume you have a tiny man bit. So you see it is a lose-lose situation.
This is really long, hopefully you didn't get bored halfway through. I will update again soon. I told my parents, so I will let you know how that is going. I actually will update more often, lots of people have told me they read this so I have motivation to keep writing. They love me! They really love me!
- Avery Eros Finley (House of Gryffindor)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Trans Remembrance Ceremony
I just got home from the Trans Remembrance Ceremony. This is a day of remembrance for victims of hate crimes because of gender variation. This was my 3rd year attending a Trans Remembrance ceremony, and just like all the other years there were not enough people in attendance.
The ceremony consisted of a few readers, than we went outside to city hall and laid a flower or candle for every death this year. Close to 200 hundred roses and candles were laid down, one for each victim this year. It was a chilling experience to lay down so many flowers or candles knowing each one represents a human life lost, a human life very much like mine. I will edit in the exact number once I remember it. The number of murders were over 4 times above average this year. About 11 trans people a month were killed this year.
I was asked to say something at the ceremony about my experiences of being Trans. This is was my speech.
Hello,
Most of you know me, but for those of you who don’t my name is Avery, and I am Trans. I was asked to talk to you tonight about some of my experiences as a transgendered person. I think it is important to remember, that like all queer people, transgendered individuals are unique and each of us has our own experiences. However, all of us have some experiences in common, and sadly these are prejudice and hatred.
Transsexuals are still very misunderstood by general society, and with ignorance comes hatred. Protection and understanding are needed for us to be safe, and given the chance at a happy life. The law does not protect us the way every human should be protected.
The biggest concern of the people who care for me is for my safety, and they are correct to worry about it.
Lucky, I have never seriously been physically attacked. But I have been pushed, and yelled at on a few occasions.
What is most harmful are the non-physical acts of hatred. Faggot. Dyke. He-she. Tranny. Many of us here have been assaulted with these words before, we all know the depth of the fear that these words strike into us.
A great amount of hurt has come to me from those I did not expect it from. From the friends (and I use that term lightly) standing beside me at the gay bar. When I came out I lost people who I thought were close friends. They could not accept who I am. We cannot tear ourselves apart from the inside. As a community we need to be a place of love and safety, in a world that can be cruel and vicious. We need to stand united, so that we can make the changes that are desperately needed.
Every day I censure where I go, because some places are just too high of a risk for me to be. Some people see me as so subordinate to them that they talk about me as though I am not standing beside them. Some people point, laugh and gawk at me as though I am an animal in a zoo. Others actions are more extreme, like pushing into me, or verbally attacking me.
The list of places where I have experienced prejudice and hatred is vast. It can and has happened anywhere: breakfast restaurants, the mall, my car while driving in traffic, cafe’s, walking down the sidewalk on Broadway, public bathrooms, bars.
Public bathrooms. They send a shiver up trans peoples spines, and not because of their lack of cleanliness. I do everything in my power to not use a public bathroom. This includes walking clear across campus to reach the one gender neutral bathroom, paying cover or buying something just to use a bar or stores bathroom, I would rather pee outside behind a dumpster than in a public bathroom.
But I am human, and with that comes the necessity to pee. When I can’t find a gender neutral, or single stall bathroom I take extreme caution in preparing to use a public one. I literally stake the place out, I try only to go in when no one else is in there. If that isn’t possible, I wait til I think everyone is inside a stall before going in, than I wait until everyone has left or is in still in a stall to wash my hands. I jokingly warn the people I am with that if I don’t return in a few minutes, to come check on me. I say this jokingly, but I mean it.
Why do I do all this? Because I have been pushed around in bathrooms, they are the place I am most often verbally questioned. I have gender variant friends who have been harassed by bouncers and forced to show ID to prove they were in the correct bathroom.
Bars are another place that make me very uncomfortable, and hyper aware of who and what is around me. They are the places I have been pushed around most. I should not be confined to a very small number of bars because of fear for my safety. I should not have to dread going places, or miss out on experiences because of the very real chance I could be hurt.
I am sixteen times more likely to be killed than the general population. Sixteen times.
What does that mean to me?
It that means dark streets seems a little darker.
Shouts in the distance are the breath of someone full of hate.
Every time I am knocked into it is the first of many blows.
Every time I leave your presence it could be the last time you see me.
Every time I open my mouth to speak, and my high voice comes out, those could be my last words.
It means that every day is lived with this awareness that it could be my last.
It means it is time for change.
For some change has not come soon enough. Tonight we remember those whose last day came too soon. Those for whom the dark street was a place to be scared of, those who heard words of hatred as the last sound on this earth, who were torn from this world in pain and brutality, who didn’t get to say good-bye to those they loved, whose voices will never be heard again.
Tonight we remember them, in hopes that next year it is not me, or you, or the person sitting beside you that is being remembered.
Tonight we remember.
- The other updates I promised are on their way, keep checking in. Should be up tomorrow or the next day. They won't be as depressing as this one was, I will test the limits of my wit and charm in a post. I apologize if it increases the rate at which the earth is warming, or causes numerous pregnancies by immaculate conception. I will have a rusty coat hanger, and some plan b on hand in case of this event.
P.S. Thanks for reading my blog. I've had a few people mention it in conversations, it is really cool that people actually read this and enjoy it.
The ceremony consisted of a few readers, than we went outside to city hall and laid a flower or candle for every death this year. Close to 200 hundred roses and candles were laid down, one for each victim this year. It was a chilling experience to lay down so many flowers or candles knowing each one represents a human life lost, a human life very much like mine. I will edit in the exact number once I remember it. The number of murders were over 4 times above average this year. About 11 trans people a month were killed this year.
I was asked to say something at the ceremony about my experiences of being Trans. This is was my speech.
Hello,
Most of you know me, but for those of you who don’t my name is Avery, and I am Trans. I was asked to talk to you tonight about some of my experiences as a transgendered person. I think it is important to remember, that like all queer people, transgendered individuals are unique and each of us has our own experiences. However, all of us have some experiences in common, and sadly these are prejudice and hatred.
Transsexuals are still very misunderstood by general society, and with ignorance comes hatred. Protection and understanding are needed for us to be safe, and given the chance at a happy life. The law does not protect us the way every human should be protected.
The biggest concern of the people who care for me is for my safety, and they are correct to worry about it.
Lucky, I have never seriously been physically attacked. But I have been pushed, and yelled at on a few occasions.
What is most harmful are the non-physical acts of hatred. Faggot. Dyke. He-she. Tranny. Many of us here have been assaulted with these words before, we all know the depth of the fear that these words strike into us.
A great amount of hurt has come to me from those I did not expect it from. From the friends (and I use that term lightly) standing beside me at the gay bar. When I came out I lost people who I thought were close friends. They could not accept who I am. We cannot tear ourselves apart from the inside. As a community we need to be a place of love and safety, in a world that can be cruel and vicious. We need to stand united, so that we can make the changes that are desperately needed.
Every day I censure where I go, because some places are just too high of a risk for me to be. Some people see me as so subordinate to them that they talk about me as though I am not standing beside them. Some people point, laugh and gawk at me as though I am an animal in a zoo. Others actions are more extreme, like pushing into me, or verbally attacking me.
The list of places where I have experienced prejudice and hatred is vast. It can and has happened anywhere: breakfast restaurants, the mall, my car while driving in traffic, cafe’s, walking down the sidewalk on Broadway, public bathrooms, bars.
Public bathrooms. They send a shiver up trans peoples spines, and not because of their lack of cleanliness. I do everything in my power to not use a public bathroom. This includes walking clear across campus to reach the one gender neutral bathroom, paying cover or buying something just to use a bar or stores bathroom, I would rather pee outside behind a dumpster than in a public bathroom.
But I am human, and with that comes the necessity to pee. When I can’t find a gender neutral, or single stall bathroom I take extreme caution in preparing to use a public one. I literally stake the place out, I try only to go in when no one else is in there. If that isn’t possible, I wait til I think everyone is inside a stall before going in, than I wait until everyone has left or is in still in a stall to wash my hands. I jokingly warn the people I am with that if I don’t return in a few minutes, to come check on me. I say this jokingly, but I mean it.
Why do I do all this? Because I have been pushed around in bathrooms, they are the place I am most often verbally questioned. I have gender variant friends who have been harassed by bouncers and forced to show ID to prove they were in the correct bathroom.
Bars are another place that make me very uncomfortable, and hyper aware of who and what is around me. They are the places I have been pushed around most. I should not be confined to a very small number of bars because of fear for my safety. I should not have to dread going places, or miss out on experiences because of the very real chance I could be hurt.
I am sixteen times more likely to be killed than the general population. Sixteen times.
What does that mean to me?
It that means dark streets seems a little darker.
Shouts in the distance are the breath of someone full of hate.
Every time I am knocked into it is the first of many blows.
Every time I leave your presence it could be the last time you see me.
Every time I open my mouth to speak, and my high voice comes out, those could be my last words.
It means that every day is lived with this awareness that it could be my last.
It means it is time for change.
For some change has not come soon enough. Tonight we remember those whose last day came too soon. Those for whom the dark street was a place to be scared of, those who heard words of hatred as the last sound on this earth, who were torn from this world in pain and brutality, who didn’t get to say good-bye to those they loved, whose voices will never be heard again.
Tonight we remember them, in hopes that next year it is not me, or you, or the person sitting beside you that is being remembered.
Tonight we remember.
- The other updates I promised are on their way, keep checking in. Should be up tomorrow or the next day. They won't be as depressing as this one was, I will test the limits of my wit and charm in a post. I apologize if it increases the rate at which the earth is warming, or causes numerous pregnancies by immaculate conception. I will have a rusty coat hanger, and some plan b on hand in case of this event.
P.S. Thanks for reading my blog. I've had a few people mention it in conversations, it is really cool that people actually read this and enjoy it.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Best news of my life.
OH MY GOD!!!!
I get to start TESTOSTERONE!!!!!
I just got home from an exhaustive day at school. Literally laid on the living room floor, and waited for my brain to leak out of my ears. After a few minutes I got up, grabbed a stack of mail and went to my room.
There was a letter from my dermatologist, and one from the University. I thought the University was just sending a receipt. NOPE! IT IS MY APPOINTMENT DATE TO START TESTOSTERONE!!!
So once again found myself on the ground. I'm sure it looked quite epic. I was walking down the hallways opening an envelope, and suddenly *sharp inhale of breath, and drop to knees*
I can barely type this because my hands are shaking. I don't think it has really hit me yet. I haven't cried yet.
Very soon I am never going to hate the sound of my own voice. I'm never going to have to look in the mirror and feel surprised than crushed that I actually don't look like the buff sexy guy i feel like.
Finally I get a chance to be me.
I am finally going to look like Avery Eros Finley.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, or isn't profound, I just can't really think yet. I'll post again soon.
I get to start TESTOSTERONE!!!!!
I just got home from an exhaustive day at school. Literally laid on the living room floor, and waited for my brain to leak out of my ears. After a few minutes I got up, grabbed a stack of mail and went to my room.
There was a letter from my dermatologist, and one from the University. I thought the University was just sending a receipt. NOPE! IT IS MY APPOINTMENT DATE TO START TESTOSTERONE!!!
So once again found myself on the ground. I'm sure it looked quite epic. I was walking down the hallways opening an envelope, and suddenly *sharp inhale of breath, and drop to knees*
I can barely type this because my hands are shaking. I don't think it has really hit me yet. I haven't cried yet.
Very soon I am never going to hate the sound of my own voice. I'm never going to have to look in the mirror and feel surprised than crushed that I actually don't look like the buff sexy guy i feel like.
Finally I get a chance to be me.
I am finally going to look like Avery Eros Finley.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, or isn't profound, I just can't really think yet. I'll post again soon.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Rawr.
So much for my promise for more consistent updates. It counts if I am consistent at being inconsistent, right? Right?
This isn't an actual update. This is me procrastinating on writing a sociology paper due on Tuesday. I WILL update a few times some time this week.
I will probably have an update about Trans Remembrance Day. I've been asked to give a speech.
A post on coming out to my parents. I plan on telling them on Tuesday after I hand in this sociology paper.
A post containing: a rant about sweats, love life update, charm/wit, and maybe a deep insight into the human life.
See, lots to look forward too!
I think I am going to start posting the links of my updates to Facebook. I think it will bring in more readers, cause at this point only a person who really looks at my profile finds this blog.
Okay Friends, check back in a couple days.
- Eros
This isn't an actual update. This is me procrastinating on writing a sociology paper due on Tuesday. I WILL update a few times some time this week.
I will probably have an update about Trans Remembrance Day. I've been asked to give a speech.
A post on coming out to my parents. I plan on telling them on Tuesday after I hand in this sociology paper.
A post containing: a rant about sweats, love life update, charm/wit, and maybe a deep insight into the human life.
See, lots to look forward too!
I think I am going to start posting the links of my updates to Facebook. I think it will bring in more readers, cause at this point only a person who really looks at my profile finds this blog.
Okay Friends, check back in a couple days.
- Eros
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Hiiiya! Cunt Punch!
Do you take cream, or sugar? Would like a cookie?
Writing this blog makes me feel like we (me the author of this blog, and you the reader of this blog) are talking over coffee. It has everything a coffee date needs, a friendly catch up, a little bit of gossip, and discussing what is going on in the world.
First off I need to get something off my chest. This is serious, and it has really been a burden on me. I have begun to be secretive, and embarrassed of my actions. I think if I talk about them to you whom I trust I can start to feel better about it.
Okay.. Here goes.. I love True Blood.
More than I secretly love Lindsay Lohan, and even more than how strongly I wish for her acting career to return to the prime state it was in during Mean Girls, or even Parent Trap.
I love the TV series. I think whatsherface Rouge is perfect as Sookie.
I am so addicted to True Blood that whenever I see Sookie's name I repeat it in my head the way Bill says it.
Sookie.
Sookie.
Sookie.
I bought the book set, which consists of eight books, and finished it in less than three weeks.
I passionately picked the side of one of Sookie's love interests, in a fashion similar to the way my mother feels about love stories on her soap operas.
I have a problem. I admit it, and that is the first step.
Okay, whew. Now that I have cleared my conscious, it is back to business.
I survived midterms, and got one back today. I got 85%, which I am pretty happy with. However those people who came into contact with me during midterm week didn't fair well. When I am stressed, I turn into a giant gross zit that explodes on those around me for making tiny demands, like wanting an answer to the question of how my day was, or returning a smile they shared with me.
I'm going to leave you sit for a minute with the image of a gigantic human sized zit exploding on someone. Not a black head type zit, but a real pussy (head out of the gutter!) white head full of goo.
Okay? Yeah? Still holding down your lunch? Good! Then I will continue.
I got some very interesting news in the T department today. My friend who got his referral to the same doctor I am going to see got news of his appointment today. He starts testosterone on Wednesday. The doctor we are going to see is apparently really busy all the time because he does a bunch of stuff other then the transition thing. My friend got his referral three months ago, and just heard from the doctor today. But this news makes me think I am going to hear from the doctor right away too. From the sounds of it he does his own booking of appointments with people referred to him, so for me it makes the most sense that he will do all the booking for trans patients referred to him at once. I am assuming because of the size of Saskatoon, and how small the Queer community is that my friend and I were the only ones referred to him in the last three months. Which means that I should be getting a call tomorrow (crossing all of my fingers, and praying to Buddha), and get an appointment to start T next week!
I really hope that is how it happens, I don't want to wait two months or more to hear from him. I just want to be me. Be prepared for a very depressed Avery if I don't hear from him within the next week.
The reality that it could happen as soon as next week has really made me focus. There are things I feel like I need to do.
One thing I desperately need to do is tell me parents. I didn't think I would hear from him this fast, so I put it off. But they need to know before I start T. If I hear from the doctor tomorrow, I will tell my parents the same day. Friends be prepared for the possibility of me sleeping on your couch for a night. I think knowing the day I get start will help me with telling them, because no matter how they react it is going to happen. I think they will do okay with it, I know it is going to shock them and take time for them to be okay. I am thinking it will kinda be like me telling them I like girls, only I am hoping it will go better since they've already gone through it once. It was rough at first, but they got better with time. That is what I expect of them.
Another thing I feel like I have to do is hug all the people I care about one last time in this body. For me it won't be a good-bye hug, because I am finally becoming the real me. But more a Thank you/Remembrance hug. You people have added to my happiness and kept me going in the rough patches. We have so many memories together with me in this body, and I just want to honour those memories with a hug and welcome in the new memories we are going to make. But I am aware that maybe those people need will to say a good-bye in some way to the body I have had throughout our relationship.
Also, I feel like I need to have a tribute to this body. Really become fully aware of every part of it, and thank it. Honour it, the way it has honoured and loved me. A long meditation session is needed.
I don't feel like this is going to be the death of this body, it may sound that way but it is in fact the exact opposite. I know that this body is going to grow, and become all that it should be. I feel like I should honour it one last time in the form it is now.
Another note on my transition is how well the pronoun change is going. The people around me are phenomenal. I am proud to be around my friends. They are trying so hard to use the right pronouns. It doesn't both me one bit if they slip up because I can see they are trying, which means they respect me.
'I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one', was the first sentence I learned how to sign using sign language. Random fact about Mr. Fin, also a wicked segway (every time I heard that word I think of those scooter things...hey! Something shiny!) into my next topic, which is what I appreciate most, girls.
Things are going really well in that department.
I got hit on, and then Facebook stalked by some girl yesterday.
Juliet and I are still in contact. Pretty much in the same place I mentioned last post, which was up in the air. But I enjoy floating, so I'm okay with it.
I went on a date with a new girl. She randomly flirted with me this summer at an ice-cream place she worked at, then a couple weeks later we were introduced officially through some friends. She went away to Montreal for a little while, but contacted me recently. I didn't remember her at all, whoops. After a little while it came back to me, so we went out on a date. I think it went decently well.
But I feel like I may just be going through the motions. Doing what I know I am supposed to be doing but not really connecting. Maybe because I am still happily up in the air with Juliet, and because the new girl really likes me, and chased after me. Which I know is a good thing, and shows that she is not playing games.
But there is some weird part of me that prefers to do the chasing. I usually don't pay as much attention to those who chase after me, than if it happens the other way around. I don't know why it is, if you have an idea tell me.
Is it because I target girls that I subconsciously know I won't get a real relationship with, thus freeing myself from any real pain that might come from a real relationship?
Or it is the complete opposite, maybe I like getting hurt and that is why I pick girls who will play around with me.?
Or maybe it is neither of those options, maybe I pick girls that truly capture my attention and what follows coincidently happens in a similar pattern every time.
I like to think it is the last option.
Wow, I just went all Dr. Phil on ya'll, just let 're buck all over ya'lls. See what I did there. I live in Saskatchewan I know how to talk county hick.
Anyhoodle, we should have coffee again sometime soon. It was really nice to see you again! Okay. Bye, Bye now.
Yeah, but fo rizzle. I wIlL uPdAtE yOu aS sOoN aS I hEaR fRoM tHe DoCtOr AbOuT t, oR sOoNeR iF tHaT dOeSn'T hApPeN RiGhT aWay.
P.S. If you ever talk to me like that in text or on the computer I will find you, and cunt punch you so hard that your grandbabies feel it.
P.P.S. SOOKIE!
That is all.
- Mr. Fin
Writing this blog makes me feel like we (me the author of this blog, and you the reader of this blog) are talking over coffee. It has everything a coffee date needs, a friendly catch up, a little bit of gossip, and discussing what is going on in the world.
First off I need to get something off my chest. This is serious, and it has really been a burden on me. I have begun to be secretive, and embarrassed of my actions. I think if I talk about them to you whom I trust I can start to feel better about it.
Okay.. Here goes.. I love True Blood.
More than I secretly love Lindsay Lohan, and even more than how strongly I wish for her acting career to return to the prime state it was in during Mean Girls, or even Parent Trap.
I love the TV series. I think whatsherface Rouge is perfect as Sookie.
I am so addicted to True Blood that whenever I see Sookie's name I repeat it in my head the way Bill says it.
Sookie.
Sookie.
Sookie.
I bought the book set, which consists of eight books, and finished it in less than three weeks.
I passionately picked the side of one of Sookie's love interests, in a fashion similar to the way my mother feels about love stories on her soap operas.
I have a problem. I admit it, and that is the first step.
Okay, whew. Now that I have cleared my conscious, it is back to business.
I survived midterms, and got one back today. I got 85%, which I am pretty happy with. However those people who came into contact with me during midterm week didn't fair well. When I am stressed, I turn into a giant gross zit that explodes on those around me for making tiny demands, like wanting an answer to the question of how my day was, or returning a smile they shared with me.
I'm going to leave you sit for a minute with the image of a gigantic human sized zit exploding on someone. Not a black head type zit, but a real pussy (head out of the gutter!) white head full of goo.
Okay? Yeah? Still holding down your lunch? Good! Then I will continue.
I got some very interesting news in the T department today. My friend who got his referral to the same doctor I am going to see got news of his appointment today. He starts testosterone on Wednesday. The doctor we are going to see is apparently really busy all the time because he does a bunch of stuff other then the transition thing. My friend got his referral three months ago, and just heard from the doctor today. But this news makes me think I am going to hear from the doctor right away too. From the sounds of it he does his own booking of appointments with people referred to him, so for me it makes the most sense that he will do all the booking for trans patients referred to him at once. I am assuming because of the size of Saskatoon, and how small the Queer community is that my friend and I were the only ones referred to him in the last three months. Which means that I should be getting a call tomorrow (crossing all of my fingers, and praying to Buddha), and get an appointment to start T next week!
I really hope that is how it happens, I don't want to wait two months or more to hear from him. I just want to be me. Be prepared for a very depressed Avery if I don't hear from him within the next week.
The reality that it could happen as soon as next week has really made me focus. There are things I feel like I need to do.
One thing I desperately need to do is tell me parents. I didn't think I would hear from him this fast, so I put it off. But they need to know before I start T. If I hear from the doctor tomorrow, I will tell my parents the same day. Friends be prepared for the possibility of me sleeping on your couch for a night. I think knowing the day I get start will help me with telling them, because no matter how they react it is going to happen. I think they will do okay with it, I know it is going to shock them and take time for them to be okay. I am thinking it will kinda be like me telling them I like girls, only I am hoping it will go better since they've already gone through it once. It was rough at first, but they got better with time. That is what I expect of them.
Another thing I feel like I have to do is hug all the people I care about one last time in this body. For me it won't be a good-bye hug, because I am finally becoming the real me. But more a Thank you/Remembrance hug. You people have added to my happiness and kept me going in the rough patches. We have so many memories together with me in this body, and I just want to honour those memories with a hug and welcome in the new memories we are going to make. But I am aware that maybe those people need will to say a good-bye in some way to the body I have had throughout our relationship.
Also, I feel like I need to have a tribute to this body. Really become fully aware of every part of it, and thank it. Honour it, the way it has honoured and loved me. A long meditation session is needed.
I don't feel like this is going to be the death of this body, it may sound that way but it is in fact the exact opposite. I know that this body is going to grow, and become all that it should be. I feel like I should honour it one last time in the form it is now.
Another note on my transition is how well the pronoun change is going. The people around me are phenomenal. I am proud to be around my friends. They are trying so hard to use the right pronouns. It doesn't both me one bit if they slip up because I can see they are trying, which means they respect me.
'I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one', was the first sentence I learned how to sign using sign language. Random fact about Mr. Fin, also a wicked segway (every time I heard that word I think of those scooter things...hey! Something shiny!) into my next topic, which is what I appreciate most, girls.
Things are going really well in that department.
I got hit on, and then Facebook stalked by some girl yesterday.
Juliet and I are still in contact. Pretty much in the same place I mentioned last post, which was up in the air. But I enjoy floating, so I'm okay with it.
I went on a date with a new girl. She randomly flirted with me this summer at an ice-cream place she worked at, then a couple weeks later we were introduced officially through some friends. She went away to Montreal for a little while, but contacted me recently. I didn't remember her at all, whoops. After a little while it came back to me, so we went out on a date. I think it went decently well.
But I feel like I may just be going through the motions. Doing what I know I am supposed to be doing but not really connecting. Maybe because I am still happily up in the air with Juliet, and because the new girl really likes me, and chased after me. Which I know is a good thing, and shows that she is not playing games.
But there is some weird part of me that prefers to do the chasing. I usually don't pay as much attention to those who chase after me, than if it happens the other way around. I don't know why it is, if you have an idea tell me.
Is it because I target girls that I subconsciously know I won't get a real relationship with, thus freeing myself from any real pain that might come from a real relationship?
Or it is the complete opposite, maybe I like getting hurt and that is why I pick girls who will play around with me.?
Or maybe it is neither of those options, maybe I pick girls that truly capture my attention and what follows coincidently happens in a similar pattern every time.
I like to think it is the last option.
Wow, I just went all Dr. Phil on ya'll, just let 're buck all over ya'lls. See what I did there. I live in Saskatchewan I know how to talk county hick.
Anyhoodle, we should have coffee again sometime soon. It was really nice to see you again! Okay. Bye, Bye now.
Yeah, but fo rizzle. I wIlL uPdAtE yOu aS sOoN aS I hEaR fRoM tHe DoCtOr AbOuT t, oR sOoNeR iF tHaT dOeSn'T hApPeN RiGhT aWay.
P.S. If you ever talk to me like that in text or on the computer I will find you, and cunt punch you so hard that your grandbabies feel it.
P.P.S. SOOKIE!
That is all.
- Mr. Fin
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Birthday celebrations
Mere hours after the best present ever it was time to go out and celebrate my birthday. A 'Drink a Straight bar Gay' event was going on that night, so I decided to party at Whiskey Jacks. All the Queers/Allys wear pink, and go to a straight bar for a change. It was an okay night. I never really have a whole lot of fun at DASBG events. A football game was on, and they wouldn't turn it off! So a room full of homos who wanted to dance had to sit through a whole game. I got laughed at because I asked how many periods were in a game. I don't know football! Okay! I admit it. It just seems a bit barbaric to me, and I don't like how angry masses of people get over it. I don't dislike the sport, or sports in general. I enjoy throwing a football around with some light tackling. I played highly competive sports my whole life. I could have got a scholorship to the states because of my skill. I just dislike the mass hysteria that occurs when large amounts of money and pride become involved.
So once the game was over it was karaoke/dance time. The night started to get a bit more fun. Most everyone who attends these events has a blast, but a few of us don't as much. It is fun to experience different bars, and different music. But spending the whole night being stared/laughed at is not fun, neither is having my sex evaluated by rude groups. If you are honestly curious ask away in a polite fashion. If you are trying to be an asshole and ask really loudly to a group of people 'whether I'm a chick or a dude', I'll say something about it.
Also a person can only handle so many board shorts/dirty flip flop, wranglers/cowboy hats, combos with the background noise of grunting replays of the football game, and statements like 'A dude can't turn anywhere in this bar without seeing a fucking faggot'.
The night wasn't a complete bust, but it wasn't the best.
However, Saturday night was near-perfect.
My last birthday was a bit of a disaster due to drama, surprise! That bitch lurks everywhere! This year was different there was no drama. A group of friends and I met at a pub early in the night. A good number of people showed up, most of the people I really wanted to come did. Everyone seemed to be having fun, and got along well. I got a really nice wallet, and a gift certificate from Juliet and her sister. A couple really nice cards, full of loving words, and a little robot that dances like me.
From the pub the party made its way to Diva's for a dance party. We got there early because we didn't want to wait in line, so the dance floor was mostly empty to start. But everyone danced anyway, we all felt comfortable with each other. It was really nice. The night flew by! Dancing, hugs and laughter seems to make time speed up.
Every year I think hard about a birthday wish/goal. Last year it was; 'I am the aware, awakened Leader of my life. I will journey the path toward love, happiness and prosperity by being aware and present.' This year it was 'I wish to discover intimate, true, pure love in myself, and others. To respect, and cherish whatever form the love takes, and to be aware that every, including love, is temporary.' This comes from the awareness of this missing from my life. I have many friends and acquaintances, and I can go anywhere with the guarantee of knowing someone there. But I do not have a best friend. There are people who crush on me, but who are not intimate. I am not close enough with anyone to call up on a regular basis to cuddle and watch a movie/play video games/do nothing with. I don't have one person I can call up and pour my problems out onto, and no one does that with me. I can call up a few people for 'random fun' if I wanted too. But I have no one to cuddle with at night, and wake up next to for those profound pillow talks. So that is my goal/wish this year, I just have to trust the universe to make it happen.
I made this birthday wish on a cute purple cake made by a couple really beautiful people, Goddess, and my favourite little blondie. They even sang me happy birthday. So we (myself, and a few of my closest friends) spent the night catching up on each others lives, and eating cupcakes. It was really nice, one of those quiet nights that are always way better then going out partying.
Things with Juliet are up in the air. I really have no idea what is going on. I know my side. I’m crushin’ on her. I can’t figure out what she is thinking and feeling. She hasn’t been talking to me as much as usual, and she is hanging out with a new boy, who incidently looks/acts quite a bit like me. He is a really nice guy, so if she does like him I am glad. It is hard to tell what is going on. She does contradictory things. Example, my birthday, she kisses me then literally a few minutes later she tells me to “Go find a lady.” What?
Whatever happens I hope things don’t get weird, I would like to stay friends. I am not going to be all butt hurt over this and not want to be her friend. There are plenty of other really interesting people for me to get interested. A new motto? I think so.
I think that is where I am going to end this post. I need to find one more item to complete my Halloween costume. The search continues! I will update soon with some of my more random thoughts/events.
So once the game was over it was karaoke/dance time. The night started to get a bit more fun. Most everyone who attends these events has a blast, but a few of us don't as much. It is fun to experience different bars, and different music. But spending the whole night being stared/laughed at is not fun, neither is having my sex evaluated by rude groups. If you are honestly curious ask away in a polite fashion. If you are trying to be an asshole and ask really loudly to a group of people 'whether I'm a chick or a dude', I'll say something about it.
Also a person can only handle so many board shorts/dirty flip flop, wranglers/cowboy hats, combos with the background noise of grunting replays of the football game, and statements like 'A dude can't turn anywhere in this bar without seeing a fucking faggot'.
The night wasn't a complete bust, but it wasn't the best.
However, Saturday night was near-perfect.
My last birthday was a bit of a disaster due to drama, surprise! That bitch lurks everywhere! This year was different there was no drama. A group of friends and I met at a pub early in the night. A good number of people showed up, most of the people I really wanted to come did. Everyone seemed to be having fun, and got along well. I got a really nice wallet, and a gift certificate from Juliet and her sister. A couple really nice cards, full of loving words, and a little robot that dances like me.
From the pub the party made its way to Diva's for a dance party. We got there early because we didn't want to wait in line, so the dance floor was mostly empty to start. But everyone danced anyway, we all felt comfortable with each other. It was really nice. The night flew by! Dancing, hugs and laughter seems to make time speed up.
Every year I think hard about a birthday wish/goal. Last year it was; 'I am the aware, awakened Leader of my life. I will journey the path toward love, happiness and prosperity by being aware and present.' This year it was 'I wish to discover intimate, true, pure love in myself, and others. To respect, and cherish whatever form the love takes, and to be aware that every, including love, is temporary.' This comes from the awareness of this missing from my life. I have many friends and acquaintances, and I can go anywhere with the guarantee of knowing someone there. But I do not have a best friend. There are people who crush on me, but who are not intimate. I am not close enough with anyone to call up on a regular basis to cuddle and watch a movie/play video games/do nothing with. I don't have one person I can call up and pour my problems out onto, and no one does that with me. I can call up a few people for 'random fun' if I wanted too. But I have no one to cuddle with at night, and wake up next to for those profound pillow talks. So that is my goal/wish this year, I just have to trust the universe to make it happen.
I made this birthday wish on a cute purple cake made by a couple really beautiful people, Goddess, and my favourite little blondie. They even sang me happy birthday. So we (myself, and a few of my closest friends) spent the night catching up on each others lives, and eating cupcakes. It was really nice, one of those quiet nights that are always way better then going out partying.
Things with Juliet are up in the air. I really have no idea what is going on. I know my side. I’m crushin’ on her. I can’t figure out what she is thinking and feeling. She hasn’t been talking to me as much as usual, and she is hanging out with a new boy, who incidently looks/acts quite a bit like me. He is a really nice guy, so if she does like him I am glad. It is hard to tell what is going on. She does contradictory things. Example, my birthday, she kisses me then literally a few minutes later she tells me to “Go find a lady.” What?
Whatever happens I hope things don’t get weird, I would like to stay friends. I am not going to be all butt hurt over this and not want to be her friend. There are plenty of other really interesting people for me to get interested. A new motto? I think so.
I think that is where I am going to end this post. I need to find one more item to complete my Halloween costume. The search continues! I will update soon with some of my more random thoughts/events.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Testosterone Referral!!
Sorry for the delayed post. I wrote this Oct. 2, 2009.
I GOT MY TESTOSTERONE REFERRAL!!!
Finally!
Beautiful, poetic justice.
Twenty years to the day since my birth I receive permission to be born into the correct body.
I feel like Pinocchio. I’m finally going to be a 'real' boy. I have morphed, and woven a few fairy tales together that I think explain my situation. Currently I feel like the ugly duckling (I know I am not fugly), but I am not at my full potential. The story goes that the ugly duckling grows up into a beautiful swan. I switch things up a bit, and say I am going to grow into the handsome Prince, more specifically the Prince from the Frog/Princess story. Moral of the story, I may currently be the ugly duckling, but with a couple kisses and some T, I will change into a handsome Prince. Sticking around, being patient, loving me for who I am on the inside is going to pay off because I am gonna be F-ing sexy.
I just got home from my appointment with my Gender Therapist. I told her I was ready to start T, and she agreed. She is referring me to an Endo in the city. So it is just a waiting game now. She said the response time from the Endo varies. Sometimes it is right away, but other times it is a long wait. I really hope it is a short wait. My friend has been waiting two and a half months, and hasn't heard anything yet. I hope he gets in soon, and that I don't have to wait as long as he has.
This really is the best present I have received since my actual birth.
I am so ready. I had felt in the past that by taking T I was taking the easy way out, that I was admitting defeat. That being this variant was just too hard, and I wanted something easier. But I know that I have tried my best that I have DONE my best. I am proud of myself, and all of my accomplishments in life. I am not taking the easy way out. There is not a situation in my life that I can look at and say I can/could do better. I am not taking T expecting that my life will be perfect because of it. It will improve my life beyond measure, but life is not easy and it won't become so because of T. I have, and will continue, to take steps to change what I am not happy with in life.
I wasn't feeling fulfilled working my job. I registered for school.
I wasn't comfortable with my name. I changed it.
Life doesn't get better by doing nothing. You have to change your thinking/actions for it to improve.
I feel so much relief. Just when I think I couldn't possibly feel it more then I already am, another wave hits me. It feels so great. I am so close. I've done everything I needed to do, everything I could do. All I do now is wait.
Waiting is going to be very easy this weekend. It is my birthday weekend! I am having two nights of partying. Tonight is the 'Drink a Straight Bar Gay' event at Whiskey Jacks. I had 'Birthday Boy' written in pink letters printed onto a ball tee.
Next update will be the events of my birthday parties!
- Avery Eros Finley
I GOT MY TESTOSTERONE REFERRAL!!!
Finally!
Beautiful, poetic justice.
Twenty years to the day since my birth I receive permission to be born into the correct body.
I feel like Pinocchio. I’m finally going to be a 'real' boy. I have morphed, and woven a few fairy tales together that I think explain my situation. Currently I feel like the ugly duckling (I know I am not fugly), but I am not at my full potential. The story goes that the ugly duckling grows up into a beautiful swan. I switch things up a bit, and say I am going to grow into the handsome Prince, more specifically the Prince from the Frog/Princess story. Moral of the story, I may currently be the ugly duckling, but with a couple kisses and some T, I will change into a handsome Prince. Sticking around, being patient, loving me for who I am on the inside is going to pay off because I am gonna be F-ing sexy.
I just got home from my appointment with my Gender Therapist. I told her I was ready to start T, and she agreed. She is referring me to an Endo in the city. So it is just a waiting game now. She said the response time from the Endo varies. Sometimes it is right away, but other times it is a long wait. I really hope it is a short wait. My friend has been waiting two and a half months, and hasn't heard anything yet. I hope he gets in soon, and that I don't have to wait as long as he has.
This really is the best present I have received since my actual birth.
I am so ready. I had felt in the past that by taking T I was taking the easy way out, that I was admitting defeat. That being this variant was just too hard, and I wanted something easier. But I know that I have tried my best that I have DONE my best. I am proud of myself, and all of my accomplishments in life. I am not taking the easy way out. There is not a situation in my life that I can look at and say I can/could do better. I am not taking T expecting that my life will be perfect because of it. It will improve my life beyond measure, but life is not easy and it won't become so because of T. I have, and will continue, to take steps to change what I am not happy with in life.
I wasn't feeling fulfilled working my job. I registered for school.
I wasn't comfortable with my name. I changed it.
Life doesn't get better by doing nothing. You have to change your thinking/actions for it to improve.
I feel so much relief. Just when I think I couldn't possibly feel it more then I already am, another wave hits me. It feels so great. I am so close. I've done everything I needed to do, everything I could do. All I do now is wait.
Waiting is going to be very easy this weekend. It is my birthday weekend! I am having two nights of partying. Tonight is the 'Drink a Straight Bar Gay' event at Whiskey Jacks. I had 'Birthday Boy' written in pink letters printed onto a ball tee.
Next update will be the events of my birthday parties!
- Avery Eros Finley
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Just like before.
My fullest attentions have ever only been directed at people who see beauty. Beauty in forms others do not see. They are aware of the love that exists in every form around them.
So few people I have met have this ability. When I get to know one of these people I see the beauty in them, and I honour it. Now seeing how I am single, with no close friends, you can deduce what happens.
I see this beauty in them, the force that is life. They do not see it in me.
Now this is not just me pouting over all the rejections I have had. Well, maybe it is. But I think it is something more. This is more then a rejection from a stranger, or even a person you knew well. Yes, being rejected by a significant other hurts. But I’ve found that a lot of people have significant others they don't see beauty in. Not on the level I am talking, their relationships are that of convenience.
How do I know I really like someone? When I can feel a strong enough connection with them that I know with absolute certainty that every fiber of their being is seeking truth.
So when these people, whether they are romantic interests or friends, do not see beauty and truth in me I sed myself into pits of thought like the one you are reading. I know that those people recognize and see beauty, and they did not find it in me. Therefore, it must not exist in me.
If these are the people I know without a doubt are the seers of beauty and they only pause for a second on me, what does that mean?
- Eros
So few people I have met have this ability. When I get to know one of these people I see the beauty in them, and I honour it. Now seeing how I am single, with no close friends, you can deduce what happens.
I see this beauty in them, the force that is life. They do not see it in me.
Now this is not just me pouting over all the rejections I have had. Well, maybe it is. But I think it is something more. This is more then a rejection from a stranger, or even a person you knew well. Yes, being rejected by a significant other hurts. But I’ve found that a lot of people have significant others they don't see beauty in. Not on the level I am talking, their relationships are that of convenience.
How do I know I really like someone? When I can feel a strong enough connection with them that I know with absolute certainty that every fiber of their being is seeking truth.
So when these people, whether they are romantic interests or friends, do not see beauty and truth in me I sed myself into pits of thought like the one you are reading. I know that those people recognize and see beauty, and they did not find it in me. Therefore, it must not exist in me.
If these are the people I know without a doubt are the seers of beauty and they only pause for a second on me, what does that mean?
- Eros
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I am alive.
Sorry! So much for updating regularly. I have been busy with my social life, and now school.
I squeezed as much summer fun into the last weeks of August as I could. "Like when life gives you aids, make lemon-aids". . . Wait, that isn't how the saying goes. Whatever, when life gives me free time I squeeze wine and adventures from it.
". . ." Sarah Silverman, Jesus is Magic.
I'll give a quick recap of all the areas of my life since my last post.
My transition is going really well. I talked to my gender therapist about starting testosterone at my last appointment.
I also saw my dermatologist to warn her, and try to set up a game plan for my skin. During my first puberty, and even now I have had horrible skin. Testosterone very commonly brings about bad ache. It makes sense as to why this happens. It is a whole new puberty, and not a gradual one like the first. My dermatologist thinks that my skin shouldn't be too horrible, since we can get a jump on it.
My next appointment with my Gender Therapist is coming up quickly, October 2, the day before my birthday. I am really hoping, and think that she will give me my referral for testosterone. I am going to be really devastated if she doesn't.
I think it will happen though. It is so perfect, like it is meant to be this way. Almost 20 years to the day I get 'permission' to be born into the right body, the one I should have been born into.
If I get my referral from my Doc, I should be starting testosterone early in the New Year! Within weeks from my first shot I may be passing to everyone as a guy!
I am so happy I went through with my name change before I registered for school. I could not handle being called my birth name during class. In front of all those strangers, some of whom think I am a guy. It would be really hard to have that taken away had they heard my birth name.
But I am having some trouble in school, due to my transition. I am afraid to speak up in class. Not because I am worried that I have the wrong answer, or what I say will be stupid. But because I stress that my classmates, who up til this point may see me as a guy, will figure out when I talk that I am not a regular guy.
I have approached the tutorial leader of my Women and Gender`s study class about being trans, and my preference for male pronounces. I wasn`t afraid to talk to her about it. She teaches a WGSt class, obviously she is going to be cool with it. I probably won`t mention it to any of my other Profs, they will just have to be confused once I start hormones. It was important for me to mention it to this Prof because the class size is so small, and meant to be an inimate one. I knew I would be being called on, and talking in class and wanted to be referenced correctly.
I need to start being more firm with my friends about pronouns. Up to this point only a few call me by male hormones, and it is because they asked what I prefer. I need to bring it up to my friends who haven`t asked. It is just kind of a pain, and can be an awkward conversation. But it is a neccisary one, seeing how quickly my transistion is going.
I think I am going to grow my hair out, once I've started T. I really love the look of long (well maintained) hair on guys. I think my hair would be wavy, and handsome. Some might even say Fabio-est. Maybe my long hair will make me tough enough to take a goose flying into my face at full speed. Or maybe, having long hair will cause a wind matching to follow me around in life. I will start wearing a half open, ruffly white shirt!
As I already mentioned, University has started for me. I love it. I really do. Not just because of all the babes walking around campus, and not only for the free food that is given away on welcome week. I love my classes. I'm happy with the selection of classes that I have. I am interested in all of them.
It is already a lot of work, lots of reading. But as long as I keep up with that I will be fine.
Not much has changed since I was in high school. Students are still immature, and sometimes lazy. I was prepared for this, since it is so common for everyone to go on to higher learning. Even the douche bags, and people with the lowest marks come to University. I may not have as high as average as I did in high school, but I can guarantee that it will be higher then those select students. Which doesn't mean much, seeing how they can barely do up a belt, which I assume is why their pants are falling down.
My social life hasn't slowed down at all. The long weekend just past, and I had a lot of fun during it.
Friday night I went to fireworks. They were being launched off one of the bridges, and they were set to music. It was really cool to watch. What made the fireworks so enjoyable was the person I saw them with. The unnamed girl from my previous post, who I've decided to call Juliet. Due to our mutual love for the 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet, and because I joke that we are star crossed.
I am actually going as Romeo from that movie, when he is at the Halloween party dressed as a knight. So technically I am going as Leonardo DiCaprio playing Romeo, who is dressed as a knight. Basically, I am going to be a total babe. If anyone has any chain mail, or knows where I can get something like it, please let me know.
Juliet and I sat down on some painted rocks by the river, it is hidden away so it wasn't as busy as the rest of the area.
We shared our usual banter, and held hands during the show.
I guess I should update you on that situation.
Previous to the fireworks Juliet and I have had some consistent flirting. Well, consistent on my part. Every so often she throws something out that makes the time between worth waiting.
We kissed once, on a night of semi-drunk adventures. We wandered the city looking for a unicorn, and ended up on a train bridge. On the train bridge we discovered the Mothman, or at least some giant shadowy figure. I am grateful to that frightening figure because it scared Juliet into my arms for the first time. Where at the last minute I gathered enough courage to kiss her.
So that brings us to the night of the fireworks. A bit of time had passed from when our first kiss had taken place. I thought maybe she got scared, and couldn't be interested in me.
I joke that we are star crossed lovers. Because I got stuck in the wrong body, a body she is not normally attracted too. But that will change soon. Despite that fact, she seems to like me and will hopefully stick around til I can start T and fix our crossed stars.
So we watched the fireworks, more accurately I try to not stare at how beautiful she looked in the flashes of the fireworks.
Then we went on one of our random adventures. We end up in a little community garden. We kiss again! This time it is not just a quick small thing. We stay close for a while. Most important, neither one of us is drunk.
I say it is important because there have been people before who only let themselves be attracted to me when drunk. I'm really glad this is not one of those situations.
I really like being around her. We are both awkward. So we can appreciate and understand each other quite well. If anyone was to watch us, THEY would feel awkward from the raw awkwardness we generate. But it is a really cute awkward.
It felt so great to hold her close to me, to have that intimacy, something that has been missing from my life for a while now.
She is really insightful. She notices small things about people or a situation that most people don't notice.
I like her. Enough to barely notice, and ignore the advances of others. I reject them without a second thought. Not because Juliet and I are committed in anyway, we are definitely not at that point. But because I don't want to mess up my chance with her, and because the mild flirting and situation we have now is more then what those other people offering can give me.
It doesn't matter to me if nothing comes of this situation. I'm happy, and having fun with what it is now. If she becomes/is interested in some other guy that is fine by me. I don't want that to happen. But I like her enough to want her happy, and I will be happy with what did happen between us, however small.
So that is quite a big new development. I have found someone that has captured my attention like no one has in over a year.
Back to this weekend, so Friday night was a huge success. It was followed by another fun night. Saturday I went to a friends house party. He had the most beautifully decorated house that I have ever seen, inside or outside of a magazine. It was in the heart of the ghetto, so I walked to the door assuming the outside to match the inside but was greatly surprised. I was re taught the lesson of not judging a book by its cover.
After the house party, we all went to Diva's for a dance party. I didn't stay for too long, because I had to work in the morning. But it was really busy, and fun while I was there.
I worked all day Sunday, then went to a drag show. A friend of mine is a drag king, and was being celebrated at the club. It was a fun evening, nothing too rowdy seeing as I was tired from work.
Monday was just as wonderful as the previous days had been. Juliet and I brought a bucket full of paints to the river rocks we sat on during the fireworks, and painted rocks. I have been wanting to paint one of those rocks with someone for a long time now, and I'm glad it was with her.
Scary monsters seem to be a recurring event for us. First the Mothman up on the train bridge, now the Ogopogo by the river. While we were painting the river rocks something splashed out of the water right near us. It sent us scambling up the hill of rocks, screaming like sissies’. We think it was a little furry creature we had saw earlier swimming near us. At the time we were positive it was Ogopogo.
Which bring us to today, where I had my 3rd day of classes. Hopefully that is an entertaining enough update to keep you guys reading. I will update soon, I promise!
- Avery Eros
I squeezed as much summer fun into the last weeks of August as I could. "Like when life gives you aids, make lemon-aids". . . Wait, that isn't how the saying goes. Whatever, when life gives me free time I squeeze wine and adventures from it.
". . ." Sarah Silverman, Jesus is Magic.
I'll give a quick recap of all the areas of my life since my last post.
My transition is going really well. I talked to my gender therapist about starting testosterone at my last appointment.
I also saw my dermatologist to warn her, and try to set up a game plan for my skin. During my first puberty, and even now I have had horrible skin. Testosterone very commonly brings about bad ache. It makes sense as to why this happens. It is a whole new puberty, and not a gradual one like the first. My dermatologist thinks that my skin shouldn't be too horrible, since we can get a jump on it.
My next appointment with my Gender Therapist is coming up quickly, October 2, the day before my birthday. I am really hoping, and think that she will give me my referral for testosterone. I am going to be really devastated if she doesn't.
I think it will happen though. It is so perfect, like it is meant to be this way. Almost 20 years to the day I get 'permission' to be born into the right body, the one I should have been born into.
If I get my referral from my Doc, I should be starting testosterone early in the New Year! Within weeks from my first shot I may be passing to everyone as a guy!
I am so happy I went through with my name change before I registered for school. I could not handle being called my birth name during class. In front of all those strangers, some of whom think I am a guy. It would be really hard to have that taken away had they heard my birth name.
But I am having some trouble in school, due to my transition. I am afraid to speak up in class. Not because I am worried that I have the wrong answer, or what I say will be stupid. But because I stress that my classmates, who up til this point may see me as a guy, will figure out when I talk that I am not a regular guy.
I have approached the tutorial leader of my Women and Gender`s study class about being trans, and my preference for male pronounces. I wasn`t afraid to talk to her about it. She teaches a WGSt class, obviously she is going to be cool with it. I probably won`t mention it to any of my other Profs, they will just have to be confused once I start hormones. It was important for me to mention it to this Prof because the class size is so small, and meant to be an inimate one. I knew I would be being called on, and talking in class and wanted to be referenced correctly.
I need to start being more firm with my friends about pronouns. Up to this point only a few call me by male hormones, and it is because they asked what I prefer. I need to bring it up to my friends who haven`t asked. It is just kind of a pain, and can be an awkward conversation. But it is a neccisary one, seeing how quickly my transistion is going.
I think I am going to grow my hair out, once I've started T. I really love the look of long (well maintained) hair on guys. I think my hair would be wavy, and handsome. Some might even say Fabio-est. Maybe my long hair will make me tough enough to take a goose flying into my face at full speed. Or maybe, having long hair will cause a wind matching to follow me around in life. I will start wearing a half open, ruffly white shirt!
As I already mentioned, University has started for me. I love it. I really do. Not just because of all the babes walking around campus, and not only for the free food that is given away on welcome week. I love my classes. I'm happy with the selection of classes that I have. I am interested in all of them.
It is already a lot of work, lots of reading. But as long as I keep up with that I will be fine.
Not much has changed since I was in high school. Students are still immature, and sometimes lazy. I was prepared for this, since it is so common for everyone to go on to higher learning. Even the douche bags, and people with the lowest marks come to University. I may not have as high as average as I did in high school, but I can guarantee that it will be higher then those select students. Which doesn't mean much, seeing how they can barely do up a belt, which I assume is why their pants are falling down.
My social life hasn't slowed down at all. The long weekend just past, and I had a lot of fun during it.
Friday night I went to fireworks. They were being launched off one of the bridges, and they were set to music. It was really cool to watch. What made the fireworks so enjoyable was the person I saw them with. The unnamed girl from my previous post, who I've decided to call Juliet. Due to our mutual love for the 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet, and because I joke that we are star crossed.
I am actually going as Romeo from that movie, when he is at the Halloween party dressed as a knight. So technically I am going as Leonardo DiCaprio playing Romeo, who is dressed as a knight. Basically, I am going to be a total babe. If anyone has any chain mail, or knows where I can get something like it, please let me know.
Juliet and I sat down on some painted rocks by the river, it is hidden away so it wasn't as busy as the rest of the area.
We shared our usual banter, and held hands during the show.
I guess I should update you on that situation.
Previous to the fireworks Juliet and I have had some consistent flirting. Well, consistent on my part. Every so often she throws something out that makes the time between worth waiting.
We kissed once, on a night of semi-drunk adventures. We wandered the city looking for a unicorn, and ended up on a train bridge. On the train bridge we discovered the Mothman, or at least some giant shadowy figure. I am grateful to that frightening figure because it scared Juliet into my arms for the first time. Where at the last minute I gathered enough courage to kiss her.
So that brings us to the night of the fireworks. A bit of time had passed from when our first kiss had taken place. I thought maybe she got scared, and couldn't be interested in me.
I joke that we are star crossed lovers. Because I got stuck in the wrong body, a body she is not normally attracted too. But that will change soon. Despite that fact, she seems to like me and will hopefully stick around til I can start T and fix our crossed stars.
So we watched the fireworks, more accurately I try to not stare at how beautiful she looked in the flashes of the fireworks.
Then we went on one of our random adventures. We end up in a little community garden. We kiss again! This time it is not just a quick small thing. We stay close for a while. Most important, neither one of us is drunk.
I say it is important because there have been people before who only let themselves be attracted to me when drunk. I'm really glad this is not one of those situations.
I really like being around her. We are both awkward. So we can appreciate and understand each other quite well. If anyone was to watch us, THEY would feel awkward from the raw awkwardness we generate. But it is a really cute awkward.
It felt so great to hold her close to me, to have that intimacy, something that has been missing from my life for a while now.
She is really insightful. She notices small things about people or a situation that most people don't notice.
I like her. Enough to barely notice, and ignore the advances of others. I reject them without a second thought. Not because Juliet and I are committed in anyway, we are definitely not at that point. But because I don't want to mess up my chance with her, and because the mild flirting and situation we have now is more then what those other people offering can give me.
It doesn't matter to me if nothing comes of this situation. I'm happy, and having fun with what it is now. If she becomes/is interested in some other guy that is fine by me. I don't want that to happen. But I like her enough to want her happy, and I will be happy with what did happen between us, however small.
So that is quite a big new development. I have found someone that has captured my attention like no one has in over a year.
Back to this weekend, so Friday night was a huge success. It was followed by another fun night. Saturday I went to a friends house party. He had the most beautifully decorated house that I have ever seen, inside or outside of a magazine. It was in the heart of the ghetto, so I walked to the door assuming the outside to match the inside but was greatly surprised. I was re taught the lesson of not judging a book by its cover.
After the house party, we all went to Diva's for a dance party. I didn't stay for too long, because I had to work in the morning. But it was really busy, and fun while I was there.
I worked all day Sunday, then went to a drag show. A friend of mine is a drag king, and was being celebrated at the club. It was a fun evening, nothing too rowdy seeing as I was tired from work.
Monday was just as wonderful as the previous days had been. Juliet and I brought a bucket full of paints to the river rocks we sat on during the fireworks, and painted rocks. I have been wanting to paint one of those rocks with someone for a long time now, and I'm glad it was with her.
Scary monsters seem to be a recurring event for us. First the Mothman up on the train bridge, now the Ogopogo by the river. While we were painting the river rocks something splashed out of the water right near us. It sent us scambling up the hill of rocks, screaming like sissies’. We think it was a little furry creature we had saw earlier swimming near us. At the time we were positive it was Ogopogo.
Which bring us to today, where I had my 3rd day of classes. Hopefully that is an entertaining enough update to keep you guys reading. I will update soon, I promise!
- Avery Eros
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